I would sincerely like to thank two people, without whom I would never have finished (and possibly never have begun) this story.  Puchi Ann and Deborah Grant have been invaluable to me through their generous assistance (in terms of historical and technical expertise) and also in a purely supportive role as they encouraged me to see this story through to its conclusion.  I am in their debt. I also wish to thank Steve and William for their understanding in giving me the time to work on this project – I dedicate this story to them.

A special thank you to Mr. David Dortort, for characters that live on in people’s hearts and minds through  stories such as this one, and to the four gentlemen – Lorne Greene, Pernell Roberts, Dan Blocker and Michael Landon – whose extraordinary talents brought the Cartwright family to life on the screen.

 Memories and Miracles -

A Christmas Story

By: Larkspur

December 2003

Chapter 1

The snow had been gently falling for most of the late December afternoon and the drifts were slowly building against the sides of the large, two story, ranch house.  The curl of smoke from the stone chimney and the open, inviting porch, made the home seem, well, just that, a home.  Each familiar  touch evident from the outside: the starched white eyelet curtains at the small window in the front, the polished brass knocker on the front door, the rocking chair and small wooden table on the porch, made known that this was a place that was cared for and appreciated.  The house's sturdy construction also bespoke of the skill with which it had been built.  It was obvious that all who lived here would be snug and well protected within its walls.

The massive great room was apparent as one entered the house.  Its rough stone fireplace encompassed the entire wall opposite the front door and was an ample heat source for the main living area.  There was a large, comfortable looking, Moroccan leather chair to the left of the hearth, and a blue velveteen, straight backed armchair to the right.  A settee, with burgundy and ivory stripes offset with small pettipoint roses, provided additional seating for three, and it faced the fireplace as well.

A large, dark, rough-hewn table filled the space in front of the settee completely, allowing ready access to all that might be seated near it.  The maroon armchair did have a small smoking table to its right and a pipe and pouch of tobacco had been placed upon it.  A fine, handmade Turkish rug with colors that complimented the rest of the décor was found under the low table.

A gun case with open cabinets and storage beneath it was behind the blue armchair and abutted the mantelpiece. The case was filled with all manner of rifles and shotguns, all well maintained and easily accessible. The gun cabinet ended at the stairway, which was a rustic, freestanding structure with a landing after the first six steps. A brightly colored Indian blanket was hanging over the railing at the landing.

As just described, the interior could be as imposing as the exterior, even with the variety of paintings, small carvings and pieces of sculpture that decorated the walls and sideboards.   Yet, upon further inspection, the ample evidence of the young family living within its confines helped to dispel any feelings of austerity. 

There were tin soldiers on the table before the fire, ready to resume battle at the two young generals’ command. A well worn volume of children’s short stories had been casually left on the blue armchair by its young reader.  A bowl of apples and a checkerboard (awaiting two ‘slightly’ mismatched opponents) were also set upon the low table.

A sewing basket was placed on the floor at the end of the settee, closest to the maroon chair.  It currently held a pair of men’s socks to be darned and two pairs of little boys' trousers.  The chocolate brown pants, which were of ample measure at the waistband, had a tear at the knee that needed patching. The hem of the navy blue pair, in a small size given their length, was in the process of being let down another inch to accommodate their owner's recent growth spurt.

Marie Cartwright, enjoying the unusual quiet for this time of day, blinked as she heard the clock strike the half hour.  She had just awakened from an impromptu nap on the couch, having had the luxury of a solitary repast at dinner.  Eyeing the interloper that had roused her from her slumber, she sighed and pushed herself up to a sitting position. 

She reached over the arm of the settee, and pulled the top garment from the pile of mending.  Turning the pants inside out, she measured the new hem and began stitching at small, even intervals, as she had been taught so many years before by the nuns in the convent.

Quickly completing the task, she placed the pants next to her and leaned over to pick up the brown pair.  She shook her head in dismay at the size of the tear in the right knee, knowing that any patch job would be blatantly obvious, even to their young owner.  ‘Well,’ she thought resignedly, ‘one more for the rag bag!’

Remembering the extra cloth she had purchased earlier in the season for just such a purpose, the young woman replaced the pants in her basket. Heading for the staircase, she intended to retrieve the material and start a new pair of trousers for the younger of her two stepsons.   

Arriving at the top, she paused before heading to the master suite, her eyes adjusting to the darker passageway before her.

The second floor had five bedrooms, each opening off a polished wood hallway. Four of the bedrooms were of a similar size and layout, two with a view of the front of the house and two overlooking the back.  The master bedroom was twice as large as any of the others and the hallway ended at its entrance.

Of the four smaller rooms, only two were completely furnished as they were occupied on a full time basis.  It was obvious from the look of them that each was inhabited by a young boy, however, the similarities ended there.

Marie hesitated before opening the door of the first bedroom on the left side of the hallway.  This one belonged to her eldest stepson, who fiercely guarded his privacy and allowed entrance only if he were inside.  Of course, his father had free and ready access to the room, and although she honored the boy’s wishes, Marie would sometimes enter it when the child was at school.  This was done not as an invasion of his privacy but merely to gain further insight into his world, as the boy would not willingly share any part of himself with his stepmother.

Slowly pushing the door open, Marie marveled at the cleanliness of the room.  The boy kept it neat and tidy, to a degree usually found in an adult’s private quarters.  The walls were adorned with framed, pen and ink sketches of sailing vessels, as well as drawings of ancient Greek and Roman buildings. These drawings were not only decorative, but also instructional in nature, as they gave all the proper terminology for the columns and archways depicted therein.

The four-shelf, maple bookcase adjacent to the door, was filled with a variety of reading material, from children’s storybooks, novels and biographies to more technical texts regarding architecture and basic engineering concepts.

Marie smiled as she approached the small student desk in the corner nearest the head of the bed.  On it was a stack of homework papers, almost all of them marked, in an adult hand, with “A’s” and notations such as, ‘Well Done’ or  ‘Fine Effort’.   She noticed several crumpled papers in the wastepaper basket next to the desk, but ignored her first instinct to collect the trash, as she knew this would be a signal to the boy that someone had entered while he was away.

Unconsciously looking for something to straighten in the room, Marie ran her hand over a barely discernable wrinkle in the extra blanket folded neatly at the end of the bed.  As she straightened up, she spied the small bedside table topped with an ivory, hand-crocheted doily. 

The table held an oil burning lamp and a copy of “Ivanhoe” with the reader’s place marked with a ribbon.  The book had been carefully set upon the table, so as not to upset the other, more precious, items found there. A fine gold frame held a small daguerreotype of a dark haired woman in her early twenties. She was seated, with her head resting on the back of the armchair, looking dreamily into the distance. 

Marie, again careful not to leave any discernable evidence of her visit, did not pick up the picture, but knelt down near the table for a closer look.  ‘What a beautiful woman Elizabeth was’ she thought to herself, without a hint of jealousy for her predecessor,  ‘and Adam favors her so, especially around the eyes.’  

She sighed as she considered the fact that young Adam had never known his mother, and had only a photograph to remember her by.  Her sympathetic feelings toward the child were intensified, when the light from the window glanced off the glass covering the image. It was apparent from the smudges there that the child had placed a light kiss on his mother’s likeness. 

Next to the frame was a delicate bone china music box, decorated with rosy hued cherubs. It was the child’s most treasured possession and had been lovingly carried across the continent by his father as a remembrance of his first wife.  It had originally been an engagement gift from the handsome young sailor who had finally found the courage to ask his captain’s only child to become his wife. 

Marie did not open the box, as she had often heard its lilting tones after her stepson had been tucked into bed at night. She knew that its frequent usage was a comfort to the child in the fleeting moments before sleep overtook him.

Rising to her feet, Marie exited the room, leaving the door slightly ajar as before. She moved down the hallway to her younger stepson’s bedroom.

The other child’s room was on the same side of the hallway and shared a common wall with that of his brother.  It was as chaotic as the other was orderly.  The bedclothes had been hastily tossed aside, and the pillow was still lumpy from the previous night’s usage.  Clothes, both clean and worn, were strewn about on the chair and the bed, with some having slipped to the floor after their owner had left the room that morning.

Marie shook her head at the sight, knowing that it was more messy than usual, given little Hoss’ excitement about attending school with his big brother that morning.  She bent down to retrieve the clean clothes and began to fold them carefully. 

As she placed the garments into the dresser drawers, she noticed with some disdain, the remains of the snack the little boy had eaten sometime yesterday.  The brown apple core was sitting on the dresser scarf, next to some rather grimy looking jelly beans that had most likely been retrieved from his pants pocket the night before.

A look of some irritation was evident on her face, as Marie remembered the scolding the child had received just last week for eating in his room.  Vowing to have another little talk with him, she turned towards the unmade bed.  Her anger was quickly displaced by a longing for her youngest as she spied a sweet reminder of her precious little boy.

Just visible under the untucked blanket on the small trundle bed were the ears and head of a stuffed toy bunny.  The little creature was made of worn brown corduroy, with black buttons for eyes and a soft, velveteen nose.  The toy was obviously well loved, as the stuffing was no longer evenly distributed throughout its body and the ribs of the fabric had been worn away in places. 

Hoss called him Brownie and the child had had him as long as he could remember.  The toy had been made for him by his mother, Inger, while she was expecting him.  She had fashioned a new vest for her husband with the same material and had enough left over for the little bunny.  Nothing was wasted during those long, hard days on the wagon train heading West.  Inger had delighted in imagining her little son or daughter with it as she carefully crafted the toy. 

Once again, Marie was saddened as she thought of this second child who had so tragically lost his mother as an infant.  Inger had been savagely killed during an Indian raid when her baby was only three months old. 

Tenderly, she picked up the bunny and laid him on the chair. She quickly smoothed the bedding and fluffed the pillow before placing the toy back in its familiar place on the bedspread.

A wooden Noah’s Ark, along with a variety of hand carved beasts, was in one corner of the room, along with some picture books and building blocks. Marie carefully stepped around these playthings as she moved to straighten a picture on the wall.   The artwork in this room was of cowboys on horseback lassoing wild stallions, and natives sitting peacefully before their wigwams. 

Having righted the picture, she turned to rearrange the items on the bedside table.  The little boy’s love for the outdoors was evident as she spied some unusually shaped rocks, a variety of leaves, and an old, sky blue robin’s egg.  Marie was thankful that their cook, Hop Sing, had stealthily removed the inside of the egg before the treasure found its new nesting place in the house!

The current Mrs. Cartwright carefully lifted a framed daguerreotype from the small table.  In sharp contrast to the one in Adam’s room, this image was of a blond woman with light eyes and a sunny smile, who looked as though she had been laughing right as the photograph was made.  Although the pictures were different, each child’s adoration for his mother was identical as there were telltale lip prints on the glass of this picture frame as well.

Marie replaced the picture and surveyed the now more tidy area. Satisfied with the improved condition of the bedroom, the young woman (after placing the apple core and jelly beans in the pocket of her apron) continued on to the master suite at the end of the hall.

She paused briefly at the bedroom across from Hoss’, which was also adjacent to the adults’ bedroom. This room, as well as the one across from Adam’s bedroom, held a variety of furniture, mainly odds and ends that did not meld well with the décor of the others.  The rooms had been built for guests who would travel long distances to visit or, in an optimistic look to the future, to accommodate a larger family.

Marie’s eyes sparkled as she considered the latter reason and moved on to her own room.

The master bedroom had a view of the front yard and enjoyed the panoramic vista of tall pines and the impossibly blue lake beyond the clearing to the south. This room was tastefully furnished with an array of fine wood pieces from around the world.  A large four poster bed occupied its center, with oversized feather pillows in starched covers at its head.  Highly detailed oil paintings of majestic clipper ships and four-masted schooners were in evidence as well. The works of art had been purchased not only for their beauty, but also for the memories they evoked for their owner.

Searching through the bag of extra cloth she kept in the bottom of her armoire, Marie pulled out a length of dark brown material.  ‘This should work nicely’ she thought to herself, ‘and I will pad the knees with the extra fabric, just in case!’   

She folded the yardage and draped it over her arm as she exited the room.  Drawn again to the spare bedroom, the young woman entered and pulled back the drapes.  Pale winter sunshine flooded the room as the petite, chestnut haired woman of twenty-three settled herself in the oak rocking chair.

She hummed quietly to herself as she placed her hand upon her stomach.  A self satisfied smile played upon her lips as she patted her midsection contently. 

Marie’s thoughts turned to the subject of her contentment.  ‘This is the second time that I have missed my ‘monthly’.  It could only mean one thing!’ The almost imperceptible mound under her palm served to confirm her suspicions. ‘At long last, a baby!  Ben will be so very pleased and happy!’   She felt a tingle of anticipation as she imagined the look on her husband’s face when she told him.

Ben and Marie had been married for just over a year and were anxious to add a little one of their own to the household.  They had both asked God for a child as an everlasting symbol of their love for each other.

The two older children were the living embodiments of their own mothers.  The boys (eleven year old Adam, and five year old Eric, known by the most appropriate moniker of Hoss) were only half brothers, but their father had always treated them as full siblings.  He had been both mother and father to them for almost all their young lives.  Marie was pleased that her child would also share that last name, as well as the special man who had fathered the three of them, Ben Cartwright.

Now that the young woman felt assured of her impending motherhood, a somewhat disconcerting thought entered her mind.

‘When shall I tell Ben?’  She was so anxious to share her news, but also aware that the first three months of pregnancy were precarious at best.  She soon came to the conclusion that she would rather bear the burden of a miscarried child alone and spare Ben yet one more loss in his life.

‘I will wait one more month, or at least, until after the Christmas holidays are over, before I tell him. By then all should be well with the child and with me.’   

She frowned slightly as she considered her decision further. ‘That is, if I can wait to tell him before he guesses it himself!’  Marie did not recall her first pregnancy with Jean's baby as being obvious so early on.

The sudden memory of her first husband and their own child brought lingering feelings of sadness and regret.

‘To think that only eighteen months ago, I was alone, with nothing and nowhere to turn!’

                        *            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

Marie Del Vyre had been secretly married to Jean D’Marigny, a debonair, wealthy (and somewhat spoiled) young heir of one of New Orleans’ most prominent families.  He had been born with the good looks and family fortune; however, the spoiling had been the result of his mother’s preoccupation with her only child.  Jean’s father had been an exporter, and although he was very loving towards his son, his business frequently kept him from home and hearth.  Without a strong male presence in his life, Jean soon became dependent on his mother for all his needs and she willingly controlled who he met and what he did.   Once Jean’s father passed away, the dependency and control issues became even more entangled.

Because of all of this, and in spite of the fact that he had readily pledged his love and troth to Marie, Jean knew that his mother would be far from pleased at the prospect of a new woman in his life.  This was the reason for keeping their union a secret and Marie would soon regret her part in the charade. 

Just after the nuptials, Jean rented a small flat for her in which to dwell until he found the right time (and more importantly, the nerve) to tell his mother of their marriage.  However, Jean’s mother, being very well connected and a patron of the Church, soon learned of the marriage through the bishop of the diocese. (In keeping with the dictates of her Catholic faith, Marie had insisted on a church sanctioned union and Jean had acquiesced to her wishes.  The bishop, willing to compromise his position and violate his own vows of secrecy to assure continued funds for the diocese, had passed the news of the clandestine marriage surreptitiously to his benefactor.)

Madame D’Marigny was a spiteful woman used to having her own way and was furious that Jean had married without her permission.  Of course, had Jean approached his mother with his request, no such permission would have been forthcoming.  Madame felt that no woman, especially one from the Flats (the poorer section of New Orleans where Marie had been born) was good enough for her precious only child.

Upon further deliberation and with the counsel of Marie’s own cousin, a scoundrel named Edward D’Arcy, Madame D’Marigny outlined a plan to remove Marie from the picture permanently. The surest way for the D’Marigny family matriarch to oust her unworthy daughter-in-law from Jean’s life was to convince him that Marie had been unfaithful. With D’Arcy’s assistance and Madame’s money, the two devised a plot that would assure this outcome.

Meanwhile, without any indication of his mother’s knowledge of his deception, Jean was a frequent visitor to his wife’s apartments (and her bed, as well.)  It was not long before Marie determined that she was with child.  She did not immediately share this discovery with her husband and her delay in delivering the news unknowingly enhanced her mother-in-law’s plans.

Edward, with funds from his accomplice, paid an equally unsavory acquaintance to pretend to be Jean.  The other man entered the apartment (by buying off the landlord and gaining access as Marie slept) just before the time that Jean would normally arrive.  The imposter slipped into bed beside the young woman, who, thinking her spouse had arrived for their nightly tryst, turned eagerly to him in the late evening darkness.

Moments later, Jean entered the room and was shocked to find his beloved in the arms of another.  Marie was even more astounded and alarmed than her husband.  The intruder continued the charade and indicated that Marie should reveal her part in their affair. 

Marie, of course, vehemently denied the accusations, but Jean, now believing all the lies his mother had told him regarding female wiles, would have none of it.  The distraught young man ran from the room, and Marie never saw him again.  The intruder also dashed from the apartment and disappeared into the streets and alleyways of the town.  He now had enough money to live well and no desire to right the wrongs he had perpetrated.

Jean’s mother had been successful in her evil endeavor; however, the final outcome was one not even she had bargained on.  Rather than her penitent son returning to his mother’s home to resume their lives as before, Jean left New Orleans in disgrace.  Madame D’Marigny had gambled with her son’s affections and lost. 

Marie was inconsolable and soon found herself put out on the street as she had no means of support.  With nowhere else to turn, Marie went to the only oasis she could think of, the convent where she had been raised after her parents died .  The nuns, pitying the young woman, took her in.

Marie’s baby was born seven months later in a small room in the convent.  A doctor from a nearby township had been called to assist with the delivery. After a long and painful labor, the doctor delivered the child and took the baby away immediately, before Marie had a chance to see or hold her child. Upon the doctor’s return, he told the young mother that the child, a boy, had been stillborn.  Although Marie had been devastated by the news, she insisted that she be allowed to see her child.  The doctor had forbidden it, as he felt it would serve no good purpose and that she should put the episode behind her as quickly as possible.

It would be several months before Marie found out the truth about her son. 

The doctor, (also bought off by Madame D’Marigny) had handed the healthy baby boy over to his assistant who had whisked the child away into the night, before the infant’s first cries would contradict the story.  He was delivered to the waiting arms of his paternal grandmère to raise in place of his father. 

Marie, realizing that there might be a glimmer of hope in recovering the child through the Church’s intervention, had had her heart broken anew when told that the infant had taken ill and died shortly after his abduction.

Still grieving the loss of her newborn and unable to secure more respectable employment,  Marie found work as a hostess in her cousin Edward’s gaming salon in the French Quarter.  He had offered her the job because she was pretty and could entice the patrons to drink (and therefore, gamble away more of their money), rather than from any sense of familial duty or remorse. 

Marie knew that many of the local townspeople thought she provided more than just simple conversation and encouragement to the gamblers, however, the proud young woman’s conscience was clear.  She was determined to rise above her present circumstances. Her strong belief in the tenets of her Catholic faith brought her great comfort, especially in this time of need and she prayed daily for deliverance from her plight.

It was in Edward’s salon that Ben Cartwright had found her when he arrived to bring the news of Jean’s death.  The rancher had been guided there by one of Jean’s closest friends in New Orleans, Marius Angierville, who shared the true story of the young woman’s situation with Ben.

Marie’s heart beat faster as she remembered the first time she had seen the man who, unbeknownst to her at the time, would be the answer to her fervent prayers.  The tall, slightly graying gentleman had entered the gaming establishment asking for her.   By the cut of his clothes and his dignified bearing, she could tell that he was a man of some wealth and substance.

When she first looked into his velvet brown eyes, she could see the kindness there and felt the warmth of his concern for her.  There was something about this man that made Marie want to know as much as possible about him.  However, when Ben told her that Jean was the reason for his journey, she immediately went cold inside.

Jean had worked for Ben as a horse breaker on his ranch in the Utah Territory.  Jean had been an excellent equestrian, known throughout the state of Louisiana for his abilities in the show ring. He also was an exceptional judge of horseflesh and both attributes had won him a job on the Ponderosa.  The Southerner had become more than just an employee to Ben, as the slightly older man valued his friendship as well as his devotion to seeing the ranch prosper. Jean’s expertise had brought about great improvement in the fledgling string of mares and the Ponderosa geldings were soon much sought after by both soldier and cattleman alike for their stamina and speed.

It was while seeking to further enhance the Ponderosa line that Jean had been killed.  Jean, Ben and some of the Ponderosa hands had been trailing a group of wild horses, led by a powerful black stallion. The men were attempting to capture the black for use as a sire.  They had been able to surround the animals and force them into a box canyon.  Jean had been successful in lassoing the stallion, however, the animal had reared and Ben’s horse had unexpectedly done likewise.

Ben was thrown from the saddle, and was rendered temporarily unconscious. Seeing his friend’s plight, Jean had jumped to the ground, covering Ben’s body with his own.  The stallion, now free of the tension on the rope, reared once more.  The animal’s hoofs landed squarely on Jean’s back, crushing his spine and causing massive internal injuries. Due to Jean’s quick, unselfish actions, Ben was unhurt.  He had quickly regained consciousness and was able to pull the mortally wounded man to a sheltered area as the rest of the hands chased the wild herd from the canyon.

Jean’s last words were of his love for, and forgiveness of, his wife Marie.  Ben, knowing that the man had willingly sacrificed his own life to save his, felt the only way to repay that selflessness was to find Marie and deliver the news in person. 

She had, at first, dismissed Ben even before he had shared the reason behind his journey. However, he later confronted her in her apartment and told her of Jean’s death.  Marie was deeply saddened by the news, although the bitterness over Jean’s easy acceptance of the lies perpetrated by his mother remained.    

Thinking she would not see the rancher again now that he had delivered the news, Marie was surprised as their paths continued to cross while Ben completed some business dealings in the city.  Ben, unbeknownst to Marie, had discovered her normal patterns of comings and goings, and arranged these seemingly coincidental meetings. 

This was out of character for the normally forthright man.  He had not come to this place for any reason other than the delivery of the news of Jean’s death and the subsequent opportunity to sell some furs he had brought with him to offset the cost of the trip. 

Ben was as surprised as anyone at his sudden interest in Marie.  There was something about her, something wild and unsettled, and yet very wise and knowing, that had captured his imagination.  Her ability to rise above the unpleasantness of her circumstance, and yet, live life to the fullest, sparked a passion in the man that he thought had been extinguished forever.  Ben Cartwright had experienced enough heartache to last a lifetime and yet was only 31 years of age.

His true feelings for the young Creole woman were finally voiced after he was drawn into a duel with Edward.  The charlatan had wrongfully accused Ben of cheating at cards in the salon.  This was the result of a plan again devised by Madame D’Marigny as Ben came close to piecing together the truth regarding Marie and the so-called “other man”.  She wanted him out of the way permanently and realized that Edward could accomplish this via a duel with rapiers. 

However, Marius Angierville, unbeknownst to Ben, had taken his place by arriving before the appointed time and had fallen victim to Edward’s unparalleled skill with the epee.  Ben, fueled by his anger at what had been done, immediately challenged Edward to a second duel with pistols. 

Edward’s ability with a gun was much less than his mastery of the sword and he failed to inflict even a flesh wound.  Firing a return volley into the air, Ben proceeded to beat the scoundrel with his fists.  As much as Ben wanted to kill him, his ultimate goal was to force the truth regarding Marie out of him, so that all in attendance would hear of the deceit and Marie’s reputation would be restored.  Edward, with some semblance of honor towards Madame D’Marigny, refused to divulge what he knew. 

It was then that Marie realized the depth of her feelings for Ben, the man who had risked everything to give her back her integrity and her reputation.   Even though Edward would not substantiate the truth, Marie’s reputation had been restored in the eyes of the only person she truly cared about. Although they had never given voice to their desires before, Ben’s immediate proposal of marriage and a new life by his side mirrored what Marie had envisioned as well. 

Later that week, after paying homage to Marius at his burial in the same graveyard as Marie’s parents, Ben and Marie were married by a magistrate in a civil ceremony.

Their wedding night was a mixture of tenderness and love, with a smoldering passion that excited and engulfed them both.  There was no doubt now that these two were meant to be together, as soul mates, lovers, and man and wife.

                        *            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

The memory of that first heady night spent in Ben’s arms brought Marie’s attentions back to the present.  Her body warmed at the thought of her husband’s touch.  As she focused on this exceedingly pleasant feeling, she was also reminded of the result of their lovemaking, as the minute but unmistakable flutters of the new life within her were felt as well.  The large clock downstairs chimed the two o’clock hour, and her thoughts now moved forward to another special night when, she was convinced, this little miracle had been conceived.

*          *            *            *            *            *            *            *         

It was the night of the Harvest Moon dance in the middle of October.  She and Ben had attended the earlier festivities in town with the boys.  There had been food booths, games of chance, foot races and the like. Adam easily won the foot race for his age group and Hoss came up a winner by knocking over the most bottles in the ball toss. Ben had competed in the shooting contest, coming in a respectable second, with his two little boys and his wife comprising the Cartwright cheering section.

They allowed the youngsters to eat their fill (within reason, of course) of the various treats that were on offer at the event.  Hoss had a hard time making up his mind between all the cakes, pies and pastries that the women of the town had prepared for sale.  Knowing that his brother did not possess his taste for sweets, the little boy could not share and sample as many of the confections as he hoped. 

"Now, son, you know you have dessert after supper every night.  It's not like you haven't had most of what is for sale here" said Ben as he knelt down to Hoss' level and reasoned with the chubby five-year-old.  "Hurry up and decide or you won't have time to eat it before we leave for home."

Hoss sighed. He knew that his father would withdraw his offer if he didn't decide now.

"Can I gets tha brown sugar cake and two gingersnaps?"  The child asked eagerly, as he shifted his gaze from one parent to the other. 

Marie interjected gently, "How do we ask for something, Hoss?" 

"Please, Mama?" came the swift reply coupled with a pleading look.   Ben looked at his wife for her agreement.  Marie nodded, and Ben paid the attendant for his little son's fare. 

Hoss, now exceedingly happy, looked over at his older brother, who was also trying to decide between two of his favorites,  a turkey leg or some slices of freshly smoked ham, at one of the food booths nearby.

"Well, Adam, what will it be?" asked Mr. Jenkins, the town's barber, who was filling the role of waiter and cashier at this particular location.  The older man smiled as Ben came up behind his other son, as the boy carefully pondered his decision. 

"Um, I think I'll have the turkey leg, please, Mr. Jenkins."  Adam replied.  He knew Ben would approve, as Adam's appetite was not anywhere near what his brother's was. 

"Some potato salad and fresh rolls to go with that?" 

"Yes, please, sir." replied the courteous young boy. 

"Here you go, son” the man said as he handed the china plate and a fork from the International House restaurant to the eleven year old. Turning to the boy’s father, he added, “That'll be four bits, Ben."   

"Money well spent, Bill, anytime I can get this youngster to eat!"  Ben laughed as he gently placed his hand on the boy’s shoulder and handed the half dollar to the congenial man in payment for his son’s meal. 

"From the looks of it, the Cartwright men will be in need of your services soon" Ben said, as he noticed the errant curls at the nape of his dark haired son's neck. 

"Always look forward to seeing you and your boys, Ben.” Changing the subject, he asked, “Will you be at the dance tonight?" 

"Wouldn't miss it.  The wife has been changing her mind everyday for a week as to what she will wear!"  Ben responded.

Adam, turning from the two men, rolled his eyes in annoyance at the mention of his stepmother.  He then made a beeline for the tree under which the object of his annoyance, and his brother Hoss, were seated on a blanket. 

The elder Cartwrights had shared some of the booths' offerings earlier in the day with Hoss, so the little boy had had something more than sweets at the event.  Adam had pretty much held off on eating until now, so he ate his fill, although he soon found the turkey leg more than he could handle.  Ben finished off the rest of the boy’s meal and the family remained under the shade of the oak tree for another half-hour or so, while letting their dinner settle.  The adults then agreed to walk around the exhibits one last time and let the boys run off some of their renewed energy. Within the hour, it was time to head for home.

As the sun began to set, Ben and Marie settled the boys into the buggy for the trip back to the Ponderosa. The animated discussion between the two children soon ceased as the motion of the buggy rocked them both to sleep. 

Marie turned to look at the two little boys in the back; Adam, scooted down into the seat, his left arm around his brother's shoulders, and his chin on his chest, and Hoss, cuddled into his big brother’s embrace, quietly snoring.  Marie nudged her husband gently and indicated the scene in the back with a turn of her head.  Ben looked behind him and smiled at his two sons. 

‘Adam looks like such an angel when he's asleep.  I wish he could keep the same countenance when he's awake!’  He thought with a small shake of his head. 

Adam had been very trying in the months since he had brought Marie to the Ponderosa as his wife and the boys' stepmother.  Ben's patience was wearing thin with the boy's belligerent attitude and he had already punished him several times for his behavior.  Hoss had been and continued to be his usual sweet self with his new mama and was rewarded with the love and attention only a mother could provide. 

After they reached home, Ben woke up their two little "angels" and helped them down from the buggy.  He reached up for Marie and easily lifted her down also.

Hop Sing, the Cartwrights’ cook, came quickly through the kitchen's side door.  He had been expecting the family back at any moment and was ready to bathe the two children before supper. 

He nodded to Ben and Marie and exclaimed,  "Liddle boys' bath wader ready, Mista Cartlight.  I take them to washhouse and then supper be reddy." 

Adam and Hoss, standing next to their father, both pulled a face, even though it was Saturday night and they always had a bath then as there was church the next morning.  Hoss, especially, balked at the idea and said so.

"Cain't we do that after supper, Hop Sing?  I'm hungry!"

Ben, moving swiftly behind his children, reached down and, with both hands at once, lightly (but purposefully) swatted the boys' backsides.  Both of them turned immediately to face him.  With an arched, black eyebrow, he gave them a look which, Adam and Hoss knew from experience, meant they had better mind their parent. 

"Don't give Hop Sing any arguments” their father quietly intoned. “ I want you both clean and in your nightshirts before you come to supper.  Is that understood?"

The children, knowing not to press the issue, nodded at their father.  With an obedient "Yes, Pa" coming from them both, they began to walk towards the cook. 

Hop Sing took each boy by the hand and led them to the washhouse located off the kitchen.  'Pa sure has been particular about how clean we are since she came around.'  Adam thought to himself, as he let himself be shepherded into the room.

He knew deep down, however, that this wasn’t true.  Hop Sing and his pa had always been sticklers for cleanliness and he and Hoss normally had baths at least twice a week.  However, in the little boy's mind, this was just one more reason for his ongoing dislike of his stepmother.

He had waged a continuous campaign against this woman from the moment he had met her.  Although Marie had tried numerous times to win Adam over, he refused to meet her even halfway.   The strain of this situation was becoming more and more evident in the entire family’s demeanor.

The child had no recollection of his own mother, Elizabeth, who had died a few brief minutes after his birth. Inger, Hoss' mother, was the only mama Adam had ever known. His memories of her and the love she had provided to this motherless child, prevented Adam from letting another woman take her place. He was determined that he would never accept Marie as anything other than his Pa's wife, no matter how many times Ben punished and lectured him on his behavior towards her. 

Adam had inherited many things from his father, not the least of which was a stubborn streak as wide as he was tall.  Ben did not see the similarities in their temperaments and often found himself locked in a battle of wills with his older son.

With the boys in Hop Sing's care, Ben and Marie unloaded the rest of the buggy and brought their things into the house. Ben put up the horses and placed a fresh team in the harness of the carriage he and Marie would use that evening.  As he did this, Marie went upstairs to change.  Ben soon followed, as they planned to join the rest of the family for a quick supper before they left for the dance.

Two tired little boys, with scrubbed faces, damp combed hair, and dressed in clean nightshirts, were waiting impatiently at the table for their parents.  Hop Sing, suspecting that the boys had eaten their fill at the festivities, had planned a light meal of soup and sandwiches.

Ben and Marie then descended the stairs, and what a striking couple they made!  Even Adam had to admit that his father looked exceedingly handsome and his stepmother was a very pretty woman, with her sparkling green eyes and chestnut curls. They approached the table with an approving grin from Hoss and a bit of a smile from Adam. 

After they were seated and Ben said the blessing, both boys dove into the delicious meal that had been set before them.  Marie, with a sideways glance at her husband, watched in awe as Hoss took in a man sized portion of the fare.  Hoss' appetite was always remarkable, however, on this night; his eleven-year-old brother was a very close second in the amount of food consumed.  Ben grinned at his wife and shook his head as he watched his two growing boys tuck into their meal. 

Once they were finished, Ben and Marie arose and excused themselves.  Marie went to get her wrap, and stepped outside for a moment, while Ben gave last minute instructions to his sons. 

"Now boys, I expect you to be in bed at your normal times.”  He softened his tone and added, with a bit of a plea in his voice, “I want a good report on your behavior from Hop Sing, all right?"

Both little boys met their father's eyes and assured him that they would do as they were told.  Marie then came back to the table and gave Hoss a kiss.  She bade Adam good night as she knew he would not tolerate any show of affection from her.

Ben kissed both boys on the forehead and wished them a good night as well.  "Bye, Papa, bye, Mama" Hoss intoned with Adam following with only a soft "Good night". 

Ben helped Marie into the carriage. She declined his offer of a robe for her lap, as the night was somewhat warm for October.  The breeze from the movement of the carriage along the road made the ride a very pleasant one. Although they planned to return to the ranch after the dance, the mere thought of a few precious hours with each other and  some adult company thrown in for good measure, was something they had both been looking forward to for many weeks. Within an hour, they arrived at the dance and Ben alighted from the conveyance, turning to collect his beautiful wife.

As they entered the social hall, all eyes turned to see the debonair couple.  Ben had on his Sunday best, and Marie was in a fetching dark green gown, with a delicate ivory lace trim about the neckline that accentuated her fine features. They greeted their friends, all of whom had been guests at the Ponderosa earlier in the year, when Ben had thrown a large party to introduce the new Mrs. Cartwright.

Upon hearing the first notes from the small orchestra, Ben bowed deeply and kissed Marie's hand chivalrously, as she returned the bow with a graceful curtsey of her own.

"May I have this dance, Madam?"  He asked, with a wink. 

Marie replied, "Oui, Monsieur, my dance card is not yet filled."

Her green eyes sparkled as Ben lifted his eyebrows at the remark. He took his bride gently in his arms and twirled her about the dance floor, as those with less ability stepped aside and watched the couple who seemed to move as one.

They danced every dance, with eyes only for each other.  Although married just over a year, it was very obvious to all in attendance that the honeymoon had not ended for these two.  For those, such as Dr. Paul Martin who had known Ben ever since he came to the Carson Valley four years before, the metamorphosis that had taken place once Marie had entered Ben's life was profound.  Ben looked ten years younger and his broad grin was evident anytime he had his winsome wife on his arm. 

The orchestra took a short intermission and the pair, after partaking of a glass of refreshing punch, left the hall to find a cool respite outside. 

As they stepped away from the building into the darkness of the evening, Ben turned Marie's face to him and kissed her so deeply and passionately that it took her breath away.

'Her eyes are so beautiful, I could lose myself in them'  Ben thought to himself as his wife reached her hands up around his neck to bend him again to her waiting lips.

The man, suddenly feeling exceedingly warm, returned the kiss as intensely as it was given. The strains of the next tune drifted out on the night air as the orchestra began the second half of their program.  The dance, however, was now the furthest thing from his mind.

Hoping that his wife felt the same way, he whispered huskily to her; "Perhaps we should spend the night in town, my dear?" 

Marie smiled demurely and nodded.  Her thoughts and desires were also heading in an entirely different direction, away from the social hall.  Without formal good nights to their fellow partygoers, they stealthily headed down the street to the International House, the only reputable hotel in town.

The lobby of the hotel was empty save for the night clerk.  Ben and Marie greeted Tom and quickly secured a room for the night. 

Ben asked him to have word sent to Hop Sing, hoping his excuse would explain their lack of luggage!

"Please say that we will be returning to the Ponderosa in the morning, as we stayed longer at the dance then intended. And could you have Bob at the livery see to the team for the night?"  Tom agreed to the requests as he pocketed the half-dollar pressed into his hand for his trouble.  Turning the register, the desk clerk nodded slightly to Marie as her husband signed the book.  Tom handed Ben a key and directed the pair to the second floor and the room at the far end of the hall. The two headed upstairs, trying not to appear in too big a hurry to reach their room, although there was no one other than Tom to witness their hasty departure.

When they reached the room, Ben fumbled with the key, hastily trying to force it in upside down!  Marie laughed lightly as she took his hand in hers and turned his palm upwards, so the key would fit correctly into the lock.  Ben winked at her and turned the key, finally allowing them to enter.

The room was bathed in romantic moonlight that streamed through the sheer daytime curtains.  Marie entered first and headed towards a lamp on the nightstand nearest the window.  Ben caught her arm as she went, soundlessly closing and locking the door behind him as he pulled her to him. 

"We have a full moon shining through the window and no little ears to hear us.  Let's not waste this precious night on anything but each other” Ben said, as he bent down to kiss her.    

With Marie’s consent evident in her kiss, he asked, “Darling, what can I do to pleasure you?" 

With a coquettish look in her eye, she took his hands and placed them at the top button of her dress, just above her creamy ivory breasts.  As Ben unbuttoned each small shell-shaped guard to his treasure, he let his lips explore the newly exposed areas hungrily. 

Marie moaned as she surrendered her body to her husband, wishing that he would hurry and yet, at the same time, savoring every touch, every feathery kiss that would eventually lead to that same place where their love for each other would manifest itself.

They enjoyed a night of passion second only, perhaps, to their wedding night.  However, the intimate knowledge of each other’s bodies and desires elevated their lovemaking to new heights of pleasure.

In the flushed afterglow of their first coupling that night, Ben slowly rolled to the bed on his wife's left side.  He slid his right hand and arm under her neck and shoulders, while the fluffy white pillow supported her head. Ben caressed Marie's breasts with his other hand, enjoying their fullness.  He lay back against the softness of the cushion at his head and felt the flutter of Marie's heart beneath her bosom. 

Marie moved herself more closely into his embrace and placed her head against his broad chest.  She could also feel her husband's heartbeat and breathing returning to normal. 

"Oh, Mon Cheri," Marie whispered. " I love you so very much.  You are everything I have ever longed for."

Ben kissed her forehead.  "It is I who am truly blessed" he responded.  "You bring out a passion I thought had left me long ago.  I love you more than words can tell. "

Marie pulled her head back to look into Ben's dark velvet eyes and kissed him gently on the lips.  Soon, both fell asleep holding the other, exhausted but oh so warm, in their lovers' embrace.

They made love twice more that night, each time with the same intensity as the first.  Ben's virility knew no bounds and Marie was a more than willing partner. 

It what seemed no time at all, it was morning. The sun shown brightly through the sheer curtains, as they had not shut the heavier draperies the night before.

Marie watched Ben as he slept, her love for him evident in the look on her face. She turned the gold wedding band on her left hand, as she blissfully recalled the events of the night just ended. 

On this special Sunday morning, the devout woman silently sent a prayer heavenward. 

'Please let this night bring us more than just cherished memories.  Please, dear Lord, bless us with a sweet baby that will be a living reminder of the eternal love we have for each other.’

Marie made the Sign of the Cross while quietly intoning, “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, Amen” and was soon fast asleep.

                                                            Chapter 2

Marie was brought out of her reverie by the sound of two pairs of boots stomping up to the front door.   ‘Adam and Hoss are home from school!’  She thought in alarm.  ‘Heavens, is it already so late?’ 

The day had been hers as Adam had taken his little brother to school as a treat for the last day before the Christmas holiday vacation.  Hoss would start school in the fall of the coming year, but had not before been allowed to accompany Adam for this annual event.

"Mama, Mama!  Where are you?"  The little boy shouted as he entered the house.

"I'm upstairs, sweetheart.  Why don't you and Adam ask Hop Sing for a snack and I'll be down to hear about your day in just a minute” Marie called, hoping that the boys would do as she asked. 

When she had heard Hoss call, she had risen from the rocking chair a bit too quickly and suddenly felt dizzy.  Although the pregnancy was primarily to blame for her lightheadedness, the vivid memories relived in the last few minutes (and the emotions they aroused) did not help the situation any!

Marie grabbed hold of the bedpost near the rocker, closed her eyes and silently chastised herself.  ‘I must learn to take my time and not rush around so quickly!’  Her greatest fear was that she would be forced to divulge her secret before she was ready.

Fortunately, the room ceased its spinning and Marie felt better as she made her way down the hall to the stairs, again carrying the soft woolen fabric over her arm.  At the top of the stairs, she stopped and smiled as she spied the dark wavy hair of her older stepson. 

Adam was sitting with his back to the stairs and his head bent over a book open on the dining room table.  Here was one child who never took a vacation from learning.  His insatiable curiosity for the world around him and for places he was yet to see kept the elder Cartwrights constantly searching for yet another book for the serious little boy.  He devoured them, often times to the exclusion of everyone and everything else nearby. This lack of attentiveness had sometimes brought him lectures (or worse) from his father, especially at times when Adam was vested with responsibility for the youngest member of the family.

Marie laughed behind her hand as she saw the little blond headed boy sitting across from his brother. He was helping himself to three more cookies with one pudgy hand while devouring the first one held in his other hand at the same time.

Hoss did not look like a typical five-year-old, being only a head shorter (and several pounds heavier) than his six years older brother.  But it was Hoss' sweet disposition and loving countenance that had touched Marie's heart from the moment she had first met him.  This little boy so needed a mother's love and he had accepted her immediately upon her introduction as his new mama. 

Adam, on the other hand was, and continued to be, another story.  Although he was polite enough, he did not accept Marie as his new parent and resented her inclusion in the close knit family circle.  She had spent many hours puzzling over how to reach this child who had already lost two mothers and, unbeknownst to his parents, was not willing to risk giving his love to a third.  She hoped that the life now growing inside her would be the answer to another of her nightly prayers, that all of them could become a family in more than name alone.

Hoss looked up at her, grinning, as she descended the staircase, and then drained the glass of milk Hop Sing had provided to each boy to enjoy with his snack.  Slamming the glass down, he jumped from the table, bumping into it as he did so, and brought Adam out of King Arthur's castle to reality.

He ran to her as he chirped, “Mama, we had so much fun today!  We’s made paper chains for our Christmas tree, and singed songs, and listened to Teacher read stories!  I gots to sit next to Adam and he let me draw on his slate and we 'et Hop Sing's lunch and got apple cider to drink!  School is great!” 

Finally taking a breath, he opened his sky blue eyes wide and pleaded, “Cain’t I go with him after his va...va..., when he goes back after Christmas?"

Marie knelt down to give the child a hug, laying the trouser material over the arm of the settee as she did so. "Oh sweetheart, I'm so glad you had such a wonderful time” she said delightedly, as she was not sure he would find school to his liking.

She paused before answering his question, knowing that the reply would not be the one he wanted to hear. “I’m sorry, darling; you cannot start school until next year, when you are six."

Hoss' face fell at this comment. Tears pooled in his eyes, which had been so happy just a moment before.  Marie hastened to avert the impending emotional storm. 

"Do not cry, little one, Mama missed you so much today that I could not bear it if you were to leave me alone everyday.  I had no one to read to, or sing with, and I was very lonesome” she said truthfully, as she had missed the little bundle of energy who was normally her constant companion.

As she had hoped, Hoss's sunny smile returned and he hugged her tightly, kissing her cheek with a loud smacking sound, as he replied, “I’s missed ya too, Mama.”  Marie returned the affection, stood up, and took the boy's hand as he led her back to the table.

Adam had watched the exchange with, what he hoped was, an indifferent look on his face.  Inside his heart however, was a longing for the same type of comfort and motherly concern that his little brother had just received.

"And how was the day for you, Adam?"  Marie asked somewhat cautiously as she stood with Hoss. She wished there was some pet name she could call him, rather than always using his given name.  It seemed so formal and yet, she did not want to disturb any fragile peace between the two of them by the use of an affectionate name to which he would take offense. 

"Oh, it was all right, but we didn't get a chance to review anything from the last few days' class work” he replied, with obvious disappointment. “Mrs. Johnson wouldn't let us take any of our schoolbooks home because she wanted everyone to enjoy the time off. I wanted to read ahead over the holidays, but guess I'll just settle for King Arthur again instead."  Adam could not truly understand taking a vacation from learning.  There was so much to know and a limited time to acquire the knowledge, what with chores, sleeping, eating and all the other necessities of life that took up his time. 

Marie shook her head slightly as she considered the boy and his constant thirst for knowledge.  ‘Does he know what it means to relax and just do nothing?’ She supposed not, knowing what hardships Ben and Adam had faced during the long journey that eventually ended at what was now their home.

Building on the subject of school, Marie spoke again to the older boy.

"I just wanted to say 'thank you' for taking such good care of Hoss today.  I know that having to watch a younger child can prevent you from doing as you might like with your school friends.  He is lucky to have someone older, like you, to make sure he is kept safe. Your father and I always appreciate your help with him." 

As soon as the words left her lips, Marie realized that she may have laid the praise on a bit too thick.  Adam was used to being almost totally responsible for Hoss, from the time the younger boy was an infant until Marie had entered their lives.  The sideways glance that Adam gave her confirmed this suspicion, as he merely grunted and continued on with his book.

Marie sighed, turning her attention to the eager little boy who was not yet finished detailing his day for his mother. Smiling down at the child, she intoned, “Come, sit here with Mama and tell me about everything you did today, sweetheart.” 

Moving her mending and the fabric down to the basket, she sat down upon the settee and patted the space next to her.  With a grateful smile, Hoss climbed up on his hands and knees, turned around and plunked himself down against the back cushion, his short legs sticking straight out over the furniture’s edge.  Marie put her arm around the child and he immediately closed the space between them and nestled against her. 

Hoss always loved these quiet times with Mama and, he too, would miss their little discussions when he started school in the fall. Marie enjoyed the pleasure of his company, asking questions and making conversation to encourage him to talk.

Hoss' usage of correct grammar left a lot to be desired. Marie found that the more he spoke, the more she could help him to put his thoughts into complete words and sentences.  Hoss didn't seem to mind this; he relished the attention and the ready affection that his mother gave him constantly.  His brother and father just corrected each word automatically, where Marie made him feel special when she helped him to say what was on his mind.

Hoss and Marie were engrossed in conversation, as Hop Sing came bustling out of the kitchen to clean off the dining room table.  He retrieved the little boy’s empty milk glass and the cookie plate, which, thanks to Hoss, was completely devoid of even a crumb. 

Adam drained his glass before handing it to the cook and announced, "I'm going upstairs to read until supper's ready."

He did not specifically address his statement to anyone, but the little cook admonished him "Dinner ready when fatha get home.  Hop Sing only call liddle boy one time!" 

Adam took the hint, nodding sheepishly at the little Oriental man.  The child was often late to supper as his immersion into whatever he was reading was total.

As Adam stood to head towards the stairs, he turned to see Marie and Hoss talking animatedly with their heads together, sharing the events of the day. A feeling of envy swept over him as he spied his little brother enjoying their stepmother's affection. As he climbed the stairs to his room, Adam remembered a time, not so very long ago, when he had a mother that gave him that same type of love and affection.

‘I wish Mama was here, instead of Marie’  Adam thought, feeling the familiar lump rise in his throat as he remembered Inger, Hoss’ mother. ‘Especially now at the holidays!’

As he entered his bedroom, the little boy flung his book on the top of his bed and lay down on his stomach, placing his head on his folded arms. He turned towards the window, where the blue sky and tall Ponderosa pines were in view.  However, the child saw only what his memory made crystal clear:  a tall, blond, young woman, with laughing blue eyes the same color as his little brother’s.

He could hear her voice, too, and smiled wistfully as he heard her call his name.  She always made the “A” in Adam sound longer, like ‘Aaaa…dam’, with her lilting Swedish accent softening the first vowel. Pa always said, “Adam” like a command, even when the child wasn’t in trouble with his parent.

‘Well,’ thought Adam ruefully, ‘maybe it seems that way because I’m in trouble more often now than I was then!’

Slipping back into the more pleasant past, he recalled that ‘Adam’ wasn’t the only thing his parents had called him.  When Mama or Pa would cuddle him before he went to sleep each night, he was their “Baby” or “Sweetheart” or “Little Boy Blue”.   He especially liked the last one, as it had a meaning that only the three of them could understand. Its origin, of course, was the nursery rhyme, but in this little boy’s case, there were no cows and sheep to tend.

Once, after a long afternoon of playing “Hide and Go Seek” with the other towns children, little Adam hid too well and could not be found.   The children alerted Ben and Inger, who began an anxious search for their child. 

The story ended happily when the five year old was found; fast asleep in a corner of the livery stable, partially covered with hay to avoid discovery by his friends.  Adam again experienced the warm glow he had felt then, when his mama’s hand caressed his cheek while his father lifted him gently from the straw and carried him back to their little house next to the store.

Reveling in the comforting memories, Adam rolled onto his back, and clasped his hands behind his head.  His thoughts were drawn to the one holiday season he and Pa had shared with Inger.  She had made it such a special time, first with the observation of the feast of St. Lucia in early December (a tradition in her native Sweden) and then with the excitement of Christmas itself.

Adam had still believed in St. Nicholas then, just like Hoss did now, and the anticipation of that jolly old man's arrival had been fueled by his mama’s preparations for the big night. His mouth watered as he recalled her culinary abilities.  She baked for the whole week leading up to Christmas and the house, small though it was, was filled with a different delicious smell every day.

Closing his eyes, the child could remember the kitchen table almost groaning under the weight of all the different treats she prepared.  He smiled as he saw himself again at her side as Mama’s helper, at her request. 

‘Mama always told me how much better the cookies were because I stirred the dough just right or cracked the eggs  just so’ he thought to himself.   Pa had told him later that when he would come home for the evening after closing the store, he could usually tell what duty Adam had performed that day, as the youngster's clothes and face were dusted with flour or he had milk or egg down the front of his shirt. 

Adam’s inadvertent sigh was audible as he compared his lot in life now versus then.  Of course, before Inger had come along, things were almost as gloomy as they were now. Before Inger, he couldn't play and explore like other children. He always had to be in the wagon as he and Pa had headed west, following his father’s dream of a new future for them in the uncharted wilderness.

There had been so many stops in towns that all looked the same, as Pa found work to continue to pay their way across the country. At those times, Adam remembered, he had to stay in their room, in whatever boarding house they happened to be in, while his father worked.  Ben couldn't afford to pay someone to watch him during the day, so often times Adam was alone each morning and afternoon, seeing Pa for a short time at dinner and then in the evening after the workday was over.

It was a hard life for them both, as the young man tried to be both mother and father to his beloved child.  Ben was attentive to and interested in his little boy when he was with him, but most times weariness overcame him and he and Adam often retired at the same time each night.

Once Pa married Inger, however, all that changed.  Adam was relieved of all duties, other than minding his parents and having fun. 

Upon further, and wistful, reflection, Adam determined that the one thread running through all his memories of Mama was that he had always been happy when she was alive.  He could enjoy being a child, without all the responsibilities and restrictions that Ben had had to place on his small shoulders since he was a toddler.

The sweet sound of his little brother’s laughter rising up from downstairs reminded Adam of another reason why Christmas and his memories of Mama would always be inextricably bound.

The little boy felt the lump tighten in his throat again, bringing tears that stung his eyes, as he remembered the extra special present that Mama had given to Pa and him that Christmas Day.  Although the gift itself didn’t arrive until the following summer, the knowledge that he would soon become a “big brother” had brought nothing but joy to his heart.

‘Hoss.’ The thought of his precious little brother and the love he felt so strongly for him, caused the tears to fall involuntarily from the corners of Adam’s hazel eyes.

Pa had told him that babies were the result of the love between husband and wife, just as Adam himself was the product of Pa's and his mother, Elizabeth's, love for each other. Adam didn't yet understand this in the literal sense but took it to mean that babies were the evidence of a loving home.   He knew, in Ben and Inger’s case, that this was abundantly true.

Adam immediately swallowed hard as the next event, after his brother’s birth, was one he never allowed himself to think about.  

He closed his eyes tight against the scene that threatened to replay itself in his brain:  Inger, with an arrow in her back on the earthen floor of the shack at Ash Hollow.  Pa, lifting his mortally wounded wife into his arms for the final time, with tears of disbelief and sorrow coursing down his cheeks.  And finally, a dark haired little boy with his three month old brother bundled in his arms, watching in shocked silence as his whole world collapsed before him.

‘I will not think about it.  She is still alive in my heart and no one will ever take her place!’  Adam rubbed furiously at his eyes and staunchly refused to let more tears fall.  ‘I have to be strong for Pa.  I didn’t cry then, and I won’t cry now.’ 

Adam, as to be expected, had been devastated by the loss, but his father had been inconsolable for many days and weeks afterwards. Ben withdrew into himself as he had when Elizabeth had been cruelly taken six years before, when Adam was born. 

However Ben, in his grief, failed to realize that this time the loss was not only his.  Adam was a newborn baby when Liz had died and Mrs. Callahan had been there to care for his needs.  Now, when his little boy needed him the most, Ben’s sorrow had made him blind to Adam’s pain and he had not given the child the attention he so desperately needed in order to help him deal with the loss of his beloved mother.

In an effort to ease his father’s suffering, and try to escape his own memories, Adam had devoted himself to looking after his little brother.  The joy that the baby brought to both their lives helped Ben to recover from his grief and Adam to sublimate his.

The weeks, months and years since that awful day had seemingly flown by.  He, Ben and little Hoss, had finally reached their destination and since then had concentrated on building a home and a future on the Ponderosa.  They were happy, just the three of them, with the welcome addition of Hop Sing after they arrived in the Carson Valley.

‘We were happy, until Pa took that trip to New Orleans!’   Adam felt anger replace sorrow as he again focused on, what he felt, was the root cause of every disagreement and problem that had arisen in the Cartwright household over the last year.  His fists inadvertently clenched in rage as he thought about the interloper that threatened everything that Adam held dear. 

The child’s misplaced, but very real, animosity towards his stepmother had been the cause of many clashes between Ben and Adam.

‘Pa has Hoss and me, with Hop Sing to cook and clean.’ Adam naively reasoned.  ‘Why does he need Marie?’  Adam’s fierce determination to control his world, and his place in it, had been compromised when Ben married Marie. 

His little brother had been no help, as Hoss had taken to Marie right away. Adam, of course, forgave him as he always did because ‘Hoss is just a little kid.’  

He reasoned further that, ‘he doesn’t know any better, and besides, he always takes to everybody.’ Adam again failed to see the similarities between the way Marie expressed her love for Hoss, and the way Inger had shown her love for him.

Adam knew that he was alone in this battle of wills and was unsure who would be the victor in this perceived fight for his father’s affections, Marie or him.  He knew his father loved him, though Adam did not let his pa express any real physical affection for him, especially in front of other people.  Hoss was the one who got hugged and kissed now but of course, he was the baby of the family and this was to be expected.  It was not for lack of trying on Ben’s part, but the child’s avoidance of emotional displays was a natural result of the inner despair that he could not reveal to anyone.

Adam's reflections and childish rationalizations were interrupted by the sound of the front door opening downstairs and the greetings between his father and the rest of the family.

Remembering Hop Sing's warning about being late to table, Adam, his emotions still hovering precariously near the surface, got up, quickly washed his hands and face in the basin in his room and hurried down the stairs to welcome his father home.

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The family had an entertaining conversation over dinner that was led by its youngest member. Hoss again outlined the events of the day, this time for his father.  Ben chuckled as he thought of his  baby boy, with paste on his hands, making the red and green paper chain that he so proudly held up for his pa to see.

"Well, son, it sounds like school certainly agreed with you!  We'll hang that chain first thing when we put up the Christmas tree."  Ben nodded at Marie as Hoss' smile widened even more. 

Seizing the moment, the child began to ply his father with questions, "When can we go gets the tree, Pa?  Tomorra?  I want to go in the sleigh 'nd pick it out with you 'nd Adam 'nd Mama!  Please, Pa, please?"

Ben reached over and chucked the little boy under his chin as he said, "Now just a minute there, young fella.  We can't go get the tree this soon or it will dry out before St. Nick even has a chance to bring your presents.”

Looking to Marie for her agreement, he added “Christmas is a week from tomorrow.  Why don't we plan on cutting it on Christmas Eve?"

Hoss started to pout, but thought better of it, as Ben lifted one eyebrow in his direction.

Marie, hoping to avoid a scene, interjected, "Now, now mon petite.  Don't forget, Père Noël is watching all the time, but especially now, with Christmas coming so soon.  You don't want him to see that face and think twice about what presents he should bring you, n'est pas? " 

Hoss, well aware who Père Noël was by the stories Mama had told him, anxiously replied, "Golly, no Mama.  I'll be the goodest boy ever.  You'll see!" 

He nodded earnestly, as Hop Sing brought apple pie to the table for dessert.  Ben laughed and tousled his baby’s straw blond hair, giving his wife a saucy wink for her efforts.

Adam, still struggling with his thoughts from earlier, had been quieter during supper than was normal for him.  Ben turned his attentions to his older child as he cut a forkful of the flaky pie before him. 

"So son, what are your plans for your vacation?"

Adam shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Well, I don't really have anything planned, just thought I'd help you around the ranch, do my chores, and read." 

Marie had been considering what she might do with both the boys home for the coming two weeks.  She saw this as an opportunity to bring up her plans for their holiday preparations. Dabbing at her mouth carefully with her napkin, and giving Adam an encouraging smile, she said “I was planning on doing some baking, Adam.  Your father tells me that you were quite a helper when Hoss' mother baked and I thought…" 

Marie's words were cut short, however, when Adam, confronted with the emotions he had been trying to put aside all during supper, jumped to his feet and shouted at his father.  "Why did you tell her that?"

Ben’s fork slipped from his hand, hitting the dessert plate with a clank.  His mouth was slack as he looked up into the angry eyes of his eldest child. 

Not pausing for an answer from his appalled parent, Adam turned his fury on his stepmother.  "You could never bake or do anything like my mama could!!" 

The tears immediately welled up in Marie’s eyes, as she saw the unbridled hatred in her stepson’s flashing hazel ones.  Running on pure emotion that had finally reached its zenith, the boy, at last, gave voice to the frustration and aggravation that had been eating away at him for the past year.

Meeting Ben’s smoldering brown eyes, Adam took a deep breath, and spoke the words that he was sure would change their relationship forever. 

With the courage of his convictions, he screamed at his mortified father,   "You RUINED last Christmas for me by bringing her here and announcing that you were married!  Now, I'm supposed to act like we're one big happy family?” 

Adam’s voice took on a more high pitched timbre as he concluded his emotional pronouncement,   “Well, the only thing I want for Christmas is for HER" as he jabbed his right index finger in Marie's direction, “to be GONE!"

Ben, finally recovering from his shock at this seemingly uncalled for display, jumped to his feet, slamming his hands on the table as he did so.

His equally angry voice shook the glass in the windows as he shouted, "ADAM!  Stop this insolence at once!  I will NOT have you speak to us in such a disrespectful manner!" 

Adam looked at his father and suddenly realized the magnitude of what he had just said.  He felt his body tremble as he saw the wrath in his father’s eyes.  He glanced at Hoss and saw his brother’s face was white and his eyes glistened with tears.  Although he would not look directly at her, Adam could hear his stepmother quietly sobbing into her dinner napkin.

Ben drew himself up to his full height and set his shoulders and brow in a rigid line. The man’s face darkened with barely concealed rage and his hands were tightened into bloodless fists. His eyes were black with anger as he faced his son. His voice, now unnaturally quite, unnerved the boy as he spoke again in a slow, menacing tone.

"You get yourself to your room this instant, young man!  I will be up shortly to have a VERY necessary talk with you about your continuing unacceptable behavior.  Now, GO!"  Ben emphasized the last word by pointing to the stairs and giving Adam an angry look that the boy had never seen directed at him before. 

A very frightened and visibly pale young boy, realizing that his fate was sealed, turned and ran from the table, knocking his chair to the floor in his haste.  Hot tears began a furious descent down his cheeks before he reached the staircase.  Blindly, he took the stairs two at a time, quickly trying to put as much distance between himself and that awful scene as possible.

When he reached the top and rounded the corner, he could hear his little brother sobbing and Marie trying to comfort him.  "Now, sweetheart, everything will be all right.  Adam is just upset and missing your mother because it's Christmas." 

'There she goes again.  Making it up to Hoss, to keep him wrapped around her finger!'  Adam thought angrily as he entered his bedroom and slammed the door behind him. He knew that this would further incense his father; however, if he was going to be punished for his behavior, he would let his actions speak for him as well as his words!

Fear of retribution for his unforgivable declaration then overtook the anger as Adam threw himself on his bed and buried his face in the pillow. 

Downstairs, Ben, suddenly looking much older than his years, dropped back down to his dining room chair.  He put his elbows on the table and covered his face with his shaking hands, as he heard Adam’s door slam. 

'Why can't the boy see that his behavior towards his stepmother is tearing this family apart?’  He thought helplessly. ‘How many more times will I have to punish him for these outbursts?' 

Ben's thoughts were interrupted by the continuing wails coming from his younger son. 

"Mama, why'd Adam say those mean things?   I don’t want ya to go and neither does Pa!”  Then, the child continued, with a revelation which, to his young mind, was almost as horrible.

“And St. Nick musta heard him for sure! Now he won't git no presents, just a switch in his stockin'!"  

With that, Hoss, with Marie kneeling beside his chair, buried his face into his mother's shoulder.  Marie, her eyes still wet with tears and looking more than a little dazed from Adam’s venomous words, moved her arm around his heaving shoulders and held him close, giving Ben a worried look as she did so.

Ben signed and turned to quell the immediate crisis.  His anger receding, he gently said, "Now, son.  Come over here to me."  The child looked up as Ben gestured to the woebegone little boy.

Hoss got up and, wiping his nose on his sleeve, came to stand by his father.  Ben lifted him up onto his lap and used his dinner napkin to dab at the tears on the anxious little face.

He gave Hoss a hug and whispered, “There, there, baby.  It's just like Mama said.  Adam's having a hard time because he has so many happy memories of your mother and he misses her so."

Although Ben spoke the words, he didn’t really believe that Adam’s proclamation had anything to do with him missing Inger.

Hoss sniffled loudly and said "But, Pa, we gots a new mama now and she's here with us.  Why ain't Adam happy 'bout that?"   His blue eyes looked deep into his father’s brown ones, searching for an answer that Ben couldn’t provide.

Ben looked sadly at Marie.  Hoss' question was the same one that both of them had been asking themselves ever since Ben had brought Marie home to the Ponderosa after their whirlwind courtship and marriage in New Orleans the previous year. 

"I don't know, Hoss, I just don't know."  Ben said dejectedly. 

Steeling his resolve, he continued. "But I intend to get to the bottom of this situation for all our sakes."

Hoss swallowed hard as he heard the word "bottom" because he knew his brother was in for another tanning from their father for his explosion at supper. 

Ben put Hoss back on his feet and absentmindedly patted the child’s upper arms with his hands. "Why don't you and Mama finish your pie in the kitchen, while I go talk to Adam?"  Ben directed the question to Hoss, but was looking at his wife as he finished the request.

Marie knew that her husband did not want them to hear the "talk" that he intended to initiate with the flat of his hand on his elder son’s backside. 

Desperate to avoid another such confrontation between her husband and stepson, she handed the younger child's dessert plate to him and said "Why don't you go in the kitchen and ask Hop Sing for some milk to go with your pie, sweetheart?  Mama wants to talk to Papa and then I will join you." 

Hoss, ever the obedient child, did as he was told even though he wasn’t hungry anymore.

After Hoss had left the room, Ben slowly rose from his chair with a grim look on his face.  As her husband started for the staircase, Marie rose and put her hand on his forearm.  She was now sure that the cause of all this heartache was tied to Adam’s feelings for Inger.  Marie knew that she had to convince Ben of this or any hope of all of them becoming a family would be dashed.

Taking a calming breath, she faced Ben, and put her hands on his biceps, feeling them flex with tension under her fingers. "Darling, I know how upset and angry you are.  But there has to be more to what Adam is feeling than what he is saying in these angry outbursts.  He is obviously a very confused and hurt little boy.”

Ben looked at his wife, trying to understand what point she was attempting to make.  She continued to present her evidence.

“Tonight is the first time that I have ever heard him speak of Inger.  There must be some connection, some link to the past that he cannot deal with.  Whatever it is, it is so close to the surface that the mere reminder of her overwhelmed him emotionally.” 

Marie paused, as she realized something else that was different in tonight’s outburst.

“He turned on you first.  Normally, it has always been something I have done that sets him off. It was as if you had violated a sacred trust by telling me about Inger.”  Marie stopped, as the reasons for her stepson’s unexplainable behavior became clearer, at least to her.  

“It seems the mere mention of her name caused him pain.  His dislike of me must have something to do with memories of her.” 

Meanwhile, Ben, only half listening to what his wife was saying, had already come to some conclusions of his own.

If Adam would not yield to his authority and stop this intolerable behavior, he would have no choice but to send him away to school.  As much as it would devastate his father to do this, it seemed to be the only solution, short of divorcing Marie which Ben would never consider.  His only hope would be that, in time, Adam would become mature enough to accept the situation for what it was, something that was out of his control.

Feeling sick inside with the decision he had just made, Ben knew that he still needed to deal with the immediate situation of Adam’s behavior at supper.

Before he turned to head again for the staircase, Ben commented in a matter of fact way to Marie, “He has always been a very quiet child, never really confiding in anyone what he is thinking or feeling." 

He looked at the tender expression on his wife's face as he spoke, but continued more forcefully.  “But that doesn't excuse what he said.  I will not have him disrupting our family and causing you grief because things are not the way he thinks they should be.”

Ben paused and his voice and manner became more reflective, “Life never turns out the way any of us expect it to. He should be grateful that you have come into his life... into all our lives." Ben looked lovingly at his wife at this last comment.

Marie smiled as she realized what her husband meant.  However, she felt she still had to make Ben see that continuing to treat the symptoms of Adam's unhappiness would never cure what was truly wrong inside the heart and mind of the youngster.  Marie tried one last time.

“Darling, promise me one thing." 

Ben looked at her inquisitively, unsure of what she might request of him.

“When you go upstairs to talk with Adam, try using your lap in a different way than I think you intend to.”

Ben raised his eyebrows in surprise, as Marie continued, “Maybe that will be all he needs to tell you what is in his heart."

Her husband looked at her, obviously perplexed, then the light of understanding shown in his dark brown eyes. 

"I will try your way first, my dear.  I promise I will give him a chance to talk."  Ben lightly kissed his wife's cheek, and then headed upstairs, hoping that a different tack with his eldest child might work a miracle in this season celebrated for its miracles.

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