There was no noise as he sat, eyes closed, holding the cocked gun to his head.  He paused and said, “Pa, forgive me.”

    As he spoke aloud, his hand beginning to tremble.  “I can do this,” he told himself.  “I can make it all just go away.”

    He wanted to sleep: a sleep without dreams; a sleep without pain; a sleep without memories.  All he had to do was to pull back his finger, and it was over.  “Come on, just do it.”  He said to himself.  “Just end it.”

    He held his breath as he decided if he was going to live or die.  Rebecca’s face flashed before him in his mind.  He wanted to be with her desperately.  Then, just as suddenly, his father’s face came into his mind, and he paused as he felt the guilt.  Again he waited for the courage.  He waited for the desperation to send him over the edge, but he had waited too long.

    He opened his eyes and lowered the gun.  He realized that the urgency of the moment had passed.  He had allowed himself to pause too long, and in that pause he had questioned himself.  However briefly the questioning, it brought him away from the desire to die, and away from the need to join his love.  He looked down at the gun once again.  He began to remember when he had been given the weapon, so finely detailed, so lovingly given.  It was a gift from his family.  He realized he could not use it to die.  He could not do that to them.  As little as his life meant to him, he knew to end it the way he had intended, would hurt more than just himself.  He could not do that, no matter how bad he hurt.

    Joe sat in the darkness for hours holding the gun in his hand and thinking of how he could escape the pain.  He had failed at being able to tolerate his feelings, and he had failed at ending his life.  He was at a loss to know how he was going to remain in his body, and be able to live with the hurt that was a constant presence.  There was no escape for him.  He sat waiting for a reprieve.  Finally, when he had decided what he needed to do, he quietly left the barn.

    Ben Cartwright laid in bed running the events of the day over in his head.  The Larson’s visit had provided a glimpse of what was in his youngest son’s head.  Joe was feeling guilty and responsible for Rebecca’s death.  Ben knew only too well how that felt.  He continued to carry guilt regarding Marie’s accidental death, but he had come to accept that it would not help him to dwell on it.  He had to make Joe realize that it was part of grieving to think of the “what ifs”.  However, It was also part of grieving to forgive oneself for not being able to change the event.  He had to get Joe to accept what was and go on with his life.  The problem was, he had no idea how to get through to his son.

    Ben was lost in thought when he heard the downstairs door close.  He got up from his bed and looked out the window.  There was no one in the yard.  Someone had entered the house.  Ben recalled the conversation with Hop Sing regarding Joe’s midnight movements in the house.  He wondered if Joe was the one responsible for the noise downstairs.  He quickly pulled on his robe and walked to the stairs.  At the top of the landing he could make out someone standing by the door, putting something on the credenza.  As he moved down the stairs, he identified the individual easily as Little Joe.  “Son, everything okay?”

    It was obvious that Joe had not heard his father come down the steps.  His father’s voice had caused him to startle, and he jumped.  “Geez, Pa!  You scared me.”

    “I’m sorry.  Why are you up so late, and what are you doing?”

    Joe knew he could not tell his father what had just occurred in the barn.  He could not tell anyone how desperate he had become.  He had to think quickly.  “Uh,  I uh couldn’t sleep, and I was kinda hot, so I went outside to get some air.  Sorry I woke you.”

    Ben looked at his son with some suspicion.  He knew his boy well and felt he could usually tell when Joseph was hiding something.  He was unsure if he was experiencing one of those circumstances.  He had grown so uncertain of his son in many ways.  He could only ask again,  “Are you okay?”

    “Yeah, I’m fine.”  Joe responded in his now familiar flat tone.  He quickly moved away from the credenza in case his father was able to determine what it was Joe had replaced onto it.  He hoped his father could not tell that he had been drinking.  He was unsure how he would handle it if it was noticed.

    Ben moved with his son to the sitting area near the fireplace.  They both sat, and Joe stared into the fireplace.  He felt shaky and unsteady.  He was wanting to sleep, but sleep was so far from him.  He felt certain he would be awake to see the light enter the great room when morning approached.

    “Joseph, we need to talk.”  Ben began.  Ben asked himself how many times he had said that to his youngest over the last few weeks.

    Joe knew he had to talk to his father as well.  He was not ready for the conversation he needed to have and had hoped he could have put it off just a little while longer until he could plan what he wanted to say.  He was not sure he was going to get that luxury.  “Yeah, I know.”  Joe responded.

    “Son, today I realized what it is that has you in such agony.  I didn’t know you felt responsible for Rebecca’s death.”

    The mention of Rebecca’s name made Joe flinch.  He did not like hearing her name out loud.  He believed her name belonged to him alone, and it was sacred.  He looked at his father and felt his insides tearing apart.  “Aren’t I?”  Joe asked himself.  “She would be here if I’d been driving those horses.  I know that.”  He said nothing.

    “I have to tell you Joseph, I know full well what you feel like.  I have not shared with you what it had been really like for me when your mother died.  I know I told you it was difficult.  I told you how much I missed her and how hard it was to keep going, but there were other parts I did not feel you needed to know.  That is until now.  Joe, I had prayed long ago that none of you boys would lose a woman to death the way I have.  My prayer was not answered as I’d hoped, so now I must help you get through this time.  Son, when your mother died, I wanted to die.  I spent days thinking of the ways I could end everything and be with her.”

    “Does he know what I just tried to do?”  Joe asked himself and became very uncomfortable.  He started looking all around the room. Joe had never heard this from his father.  His father had actually thought of ways to die after his mother’s death.  It surprised him.  Joe always felt he and his father had little in common, emotionally.  He viewed his father as so strong and steady.  He knew his father would get angry and sometimes over react, but Joe believed his father could never be as passionate as he was himself.  Somehow he had never allowed himself to think of his father as emotionally vulnerable.  To do this would leave Joe that much more leery of the world.  He had to believe his father was always in control of his passions.

    Ben noticed his son’s restlessness, but continued to talk.  “Joe, there were times during those first weeks and months that I could have easily given into the grief and pain and ended it all.  I didn’t for one reason and one reason only: you three boys.  I realized I had to keep going because there was still love in my life.  There were three wonderful human beings who needed me, and slowly I realized I needed them.  You helped me son more than you will ever know.  You are so much like your mother that as long as I have you, I have her.  I can enjoy her, because you have so many things about you that are a mirror image of Marie.  You know when you chew on your bottom lip?  She did the same thing.  And your mother too was not particularly fond of mornings.  You see Joe, I found ways of keeping your mother alive for myself and then went on with my life.”
    Joe spoke, his voice quiet and without emotion,  “But Pa, I have nothing to hold onto.”

    “Oh, but you do.  You have memories.  You have the time you had with her to think about.”  Ben attempted to point out.

    “But it hurts too much to do that.  I feel like I died when she died.  I can’t find me, Pa.”  The whole time Joe talked he remained staring at the fireplace.  “I changed when I started loving… her.  It was a change that I really liked, and I need her to keep it.  Without her, I’m lost.”

    “Joe, you will become the man you need to be, I have no doubt about that.  Rebecca didn’t do that for you, you did it for yourself.  She just gave you the desire to do it.  Don’t you see that?”

    “No Pa.  You’re wrong about that.  She did it for me.  If it wasn’t her then why hadn’t I done it for you or Hoss or Adam.  You all told me that you liked how I was helping around the place, and I had a good attitude and everything.  Now if she didn’t do that, why weren’t you all enough to make me behave myself?”

    Ben was struck with the depth in his son’s thinking.  Ben had a tendency to view Joseph still as a little boy who was more focused on having fun than doing much thinking about life.  He found it bittersweet.  Joseph was losing his naiveté. To keep his son naïve about much of life had been a fault of Ben’s.  He had overprotected his youngest, he knew that, but it was done out of love and fear.  He wanted Joseph to have the life he could not give to Adam and Hoss when they were Joe’s age.  He carried guilt for his two oldest and the harsh difficulties of the life he had exposed them to in their early years.  He carried guilt for all three of his boys having lost Marie.  This guilt sometimes resulted in Ben overcompensating with his youngest.

    “Joe, you’re the one who decided to work around here.  You decided to change your attitude.  I know you are hurting very badly and everything seems to be very hard to handle, but believe me, there will be more in your life, much, much, more.”  Ben tried to avoid pointing out that Joe was only seventeen, and he would have many more loves in his life.  He knew reminding his son of his age would take a productive conversation and quickly turn it to a battle.

    Joe thought to himself,  “I don’t believe you, Pa.  It was all her, and you can’t convince me otherwise.  I don’t ever want to love again if this is what has to happen.”  He said, “Pa, I am really tired and want to sleep.”

    Ben knew he had lost Joe to any further conversation.  He was encouraged that Joe had said as much as he had.  Ben wondered to himself what had gotten Joe to speak.  He hoped there would be more opportunities to talk again with his youngest. He so much wanted to help Joe begin to put the nightmare behind him.  “Okay Joseph, I’ll see you in the morning.  Oh, uh, well looking at the sun starting to come up, I guess I’ll see you later this morning.”  Ben said, rising to leave.

    Joe stood as well, and hobbled into the downstairs bedroom.  He sat on the bed and thought of what had happened that evening in the barn, or rather what had not happened.  He found he was angry at himself for not being able to carry out the suicide.  He knew he had to find some way to cope with the nightmares and the continuous thoughts of Rebecca.  He felt guilty that he wanted to stop thinking about her.  He felt he was betraying her, but it hurt so bad when he did think of her.  He had to stop his head.

    Joe’s eyes eventually became heavy and he fell asleep sitting up on the bed.  He found the first hours of sleep to be restful.  However, there was to be no relief from the ever-present nightmares…

    Joe was running through a field trying to get to the house.  Every time he moved forward the house moved away.  He looked at the front of the house and saw Rebecca.  She was waving at him and walked inside.  He eventually made it to the house and went in.  It was different inside.  There was no furniture, and the stairs to the second floor were gone.  He heard Rebecca’s voice calling him from upstairs.  He could not figure out how she got up there, nor how he could get up to her.  He yelled, “Rebecca.”  She came to the opening where the stairs should have been.  He smiled at seeing her.  Just then Rebecca fell from above to the floor in front of him.  “No! Rebecca, no!  God, no!  Rebecca?!”

    Joe bolted upright, breathing heavily.  It took him a moment for it to register that what he had experienced had been a dream.  He began to slow his breathing and attempted to get himself under control.  After he had calmed down he realized it was daytime.  He thought to himself this was a day that last night he had no intention of seeing.  He put his head in his hands and tried to clear his thoughts.  He was not successful and decided maybe a change of scenery would help.  He moved slowly into the great room and took up his position on the couch.  He sat there for a few moments still unable to escape himself.  He eventually moved out onto the porch and sat staring at the barn.

    Ben, Hoss and Adam rode up to the ranch house for lunch.  They saw Joe sitting on the porch in the same place he had taken to sitting every day.  All three noticed Joe was deep in thought, looking past them to the barn.  Hoss called out,  “Hey Little Joe.”

    This interrupted Joe’s thoughts, and he looked towards his family.  “Hey.”  He said without enthusiasm.

    “What’s Hop Sing got to eat in there?”  Hoss asked, as the three elder Cartwrights walked towards the porch and Joe.

    “Uh… don’t know.  Didn’t look.”  Joe answered, his apathy apparent.

    “Joe, you just gonna have to notice what’s really important in life.”  Hoss blurted out, not realizing what he had said.

    Ben and Adam winced at Hoss’s words.  Joe thought,  “Hoss, I wish that was all that mattered.  I really do.”  It had been a standing joke in the Cartwright household regarding Hoss and his appetite.  Usually Little Joe was one of the first to chime in with a comment.  It had been a while since Joe had joined in on any of the family joking.  Joe said nothing.

    Adam quickly tried to recover for Hoss,  “Come on in Joe, we gotta fend for ourselves.”

    “Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.”  Joe responded, not making any effort to move.

    The three moved into the house, with Ben looking over at his youngest.  Joe’s appearance made Ben worry.  He was at a loss as to how to help.  He decided Joe should come in and be with the family.

    “Joseph, come along.”  Ben ordered.

    Joe rolled his eyes, but stood and joined the rest of his family.  Lunch conversation focused around branding records and herd counts.  Joe was not listening, so much of it out of his awareness.  He did not hear his father speak to him.

    “Joseph?  Are you listening?”

    “Uh… oh… what?”  Joe asked, mentally returning to the room.

    “I asked you if you were going to start doing as Dr. Martin had said and try to walk some on your leg?”

    “Uh,  yeah I will.”  Joe said in less than committed tone.

    “Well I think it may be a good idea for you to try, but wait ‘til one of us is around in case you need help.”  Ben advised.

    After lunch the three eldest Cartwrights returned to their running of the ranch.  Joe moved restlessly from one room to another.  He would sit for a few minutes in one place and then was quickly up and moving again.  He felt like a trapped animal.  Eventually he decided that he would move to the barn and go inside.  He looked at where he had sat the previous evening.  “It would have been so easy.”  He said out loud.

    He heard Cochise move in her stall, the horse so aware of the voice of her master.  He looked over at her and then moved to the animal.  Joe tried to talk to the horse as he usually did, but he did not have the usual affectionate tone in his voice.  “Hey, Cooch.  You look good.  I bet you’d love to get out of here and run for a while.”

    Joe knew Hoss would see to it that Cochise was exercised properly, but Joe also knew that as much as he loved to run his pony, she loved to run.  When Joe and Cochise moved, they moved as one.  They both traveled everywhere quickly.  The paint pony had never refused a command from her master.  She trusted only him, but that trust was complete.  Joe felt the same about his mount.  He knew that there was no other horse he could trust to allow him to do some of his more dangerous escapades.

    Joe pulled out a curry comb and stood brushing his horse, although it was evident the horse did not need the attention.  He attempted to focus all of his concentration on the black and white coat he painstakingly groomed.  He leaned on the horse and his crutches to maneuver around the stall.  He picked out already clean hooves and combed a tangle free mane.  He put his head down on her back and closed his eyes for a moment.  At that moment, Joe wished he could cry, but the tears had dried that day he had heard the news in Doctor Martin’s office.
    He eventually raised his head and untied Cochise’s lead rope.  He hobbled slowly out of the barn, the horse moving just as slowly behind him.  He made his way to the small paddock next to the barn.  Working diligently he opened the paddock and freed Cochise into the corral.  Cochise turned as soon as she entered the enclosure as if to wait for her master to join her.  “No, go on and run some.  At least one of us should enjoy the freedom.”  Cochise continued to look at him.  “Go on.”  Joe coaxed.  Eventually, Cochise gave in to her desire to run and began to race around the corral.  Joe stood leaning on a rail watching her.  The desire to runaway filled his heart.

    Joe spent the remainder of his day watching the horse and daydreaming about the past.  He finally left the corral when his family returned home for the evening.  Hoss, ever the faithful brother, re-stabled Cochise when he stabled his own horse.

    The family dined together and then retired to the great room for the remainder of the evening.  Joe occupied himself by trying to undo some stitching on an old bridle.  It allowed him to expend energy pulling against leather, and it was just frustrating enough to keep his mind occupied.  He was dreading nightfall and waited for the rest of the family to retire upstairs.

    Eventually, Joe was left alone downstairs and he made his way out to the porch.  He looked around the yard a while and then moved over to his usual place. He sat there and thought again about returning to the barn, saddling Cochise and taking off.  He cursed himself for his leg being hurt.  He felt it was the only thing that would stop him from leaving.

    As Joe fantasized about riding away, the bunkhouse door opened and Phillips appeared.  Phillips and his boss’s youngest had been meeting regularly outside.  Phillips did not know if Joe would be there that night, but he had weeks ago agreed to meet nightly with Joe.  Phillips knew that the kid was having great difficulties, but he rationalized his supplying the young man with alcohol as just trying to help Joe over a rough spot.  Phillips did not know Joe real well, but he liked the kid.

    Phillips took up his customary position next to the youngest Cartwright.  The two sat in relative silence as they allowed the alcohol to remove the thoughts and feelings they both needed to escape.  Joe found he was growing very accustomed to the warm feeling that took away the pain.  He began to believe this was the only way he was going to live with himself.

    Ben laid in bed tossing and turning.  He had several things on his mind, all of which were enough to keep him from sleeping.  First and foremost was Joseph.  Joe was so quiet and withdrawn.  He wondered if he should try and get some help outside of the family for Little Joe.  He had been so certain that all Joe needed was his family.  He was not as sure now.  He had been encouraged by Joe talking with him the pervious night, but the morning had brought the same solemn stranger who had begun to inhabit his son’s body.

    Ben also had the running of the ranch on his mind.  He knew this paled in comparison to what was going on with Joseph, but knew in a way they were related.  Since the accident, Ben had done little of the management of the ranch.  In the past he could turn the management of the ranch over to Adam, but Adam seemed to be struggling as well.  It seemed Adam was avoiding Joe, and this meant that Adam stayed working outside much more lately, rather than inside balancing the books. Ben knew his eldest was not real comfortable with emotions and tended to shy away, therefore Ben assumed Adam’s distance was due to Adam having a difficult time seeing Joe hurting. Ben did not blame Adam.  It tore out Ben’s heart every time he looked at his youngest.

    Ben finally realized sleep was not going to come for a while and retreated downstairs.  He walked to the fireplace and stoked the fire to provide light into the room.  He lit a lamp and walked over to his desk to attempt once more to balance ledgers.  He worked a while and then decided to go into the kitchen for a light snack.  He passed the door that had become Joe’s bedroom and decided to check on Joseph.  He quietly opened the door to see a made bed.  The room was empty.  “Where was Joseph?”  Ben wondered.

    Ben remembered Joe having come in from outside the previous night and decided to see if Joe was outside once more.  He opened the heavy front door and walked out onto the porch.  Joe was about to finished the bottle he had escaped into and was taking his last drink when his father appeared.  Ben had moved over to where his son had taken to sitting over the last few weeks and saw Joe finishing the bottle.

    “What’s going on here!?”  Ben shouted, terrified at the scene he was seeing.  He could not believe he was seeing Joseph, slouched in a chair , with a liquor bottle up to his mouth.  He saw a ranch hand next to his son, sitting with a stunned look on his face.

    Joe looked over at his father and knew he was in a great deal of trouble.  He knew his father had seen exactly what was going on.

    “Joseph Francis Cartwright!  What do you think you’re doing?!”  Ben again questioned.

    “Um… I was um…talkin’ to Phillips here.”  Joe meekly responded.

    “No you weren’t.  You were drinking.”  Ben corrected his son.  “And you.”  Ben said to Phillips, “What are you doing drinking with a boy?  You will be off this ranch come sun up.  Joseph, get in the house.”

    “Pa wait.”  Joe tried to speak.  It was obvious to Ben his son was intoxicated.  “Phillips didn’t mean nuthin’ by it.  I was the one who told him to do it.  He just was helpin’ me out s’all.”

    “Helping you out, Joseph.  How is this helping you out?”

    “By … um…by…”  Joe had no idea how to answer his father.

    “By getting you drunk?  Does that help you, boy?”

    Joe thought to himself,  “Yeah, Pa, more than you’ll ever know.”  But wisely decided that was not the best thing to say to his father at that moment.

    “Well, Joseph?  How does this help you?”

    “Just does.”  Was all Joe could say.

    “Get in the house, NOW!”  Ben had heard enough.

    Joe stood up and made his way slowly to the house.  He had been able to do quite a bit of practicing regarding walking on crutches while drunk lately,

    Ben turned to the ranch hand and remembering Joe had gone outside the previous evening as well.  “How long has this been going on?”

    “Oh,…uh… a couple four weeks or so.”  Phillips knew he had to tell Mr. Cartwright the truth.

    “FOUR WEEKS?!”  Ben screamed.  “You’re telling me that my son has been out here drinking for four weeks?”

    “Uh… yes sir.”

    “I ought to have you shot for this!”  Ben was seeing red.  How could he have not known Joe was drinking for the past four weeks?  It scared him to think what else Joe could do without his knowledge.

    “You can collect your wages in the morning and then get off my land!”  Ben said, turning to go inside.  He entered the house and slammed the front door.

    Joe had stumbled into the house and sat on the couch listening to his father yell at the ranch hand and then storm inside.  He felt rather dizzy and very tired.  He wanted to pass out.

    Ben moved to where Joe was sitting and glared at him.  “I have never, never been so angry with you in my life, Joseph!  You have been outside drinking for the past four weeks!  You have been lying to me young man!”

    “Pa, I haven’t lied about anything.”  Joe said, trying to defend himself , but mostly just sounding drunk.

    “Oh, you most certainly have!  Every night you went out there you lied to me!  I thought I could trust you, but I was wrong.  This is it!  I am doing what ever it takes to get you help!”

    Even in his drunken state, Joe could feel the fear in him.  He thought over what his father had said.  He had not started drinking to upset his father, and he did not see how it could be lying.  He was trying to stop thinking.

    Adam and Hoss had been awakened by the yelling while Ben was still outside.  They had meet in the hallway upstairs at the same time and had stayed there listening to the commotion.  Finally, they both realized they may be needed downstairs to help if there were trouble and descended the stairs together.

    Joe saw his brothers arrive, but was quick to look back at his father.  “Pa,  I didn’t lie.  I just…”

    “You just what?”

    “I just had to make it stop.”  The words were coming out of Joe before he could hold them in.

    “Make what stop?”  Ben asked, feeling confused.

    Joe looked at his father , then at Hoss and Adam.  He could not say more.  He had to be quiet.

    “Make what stop, Joseph?!”  Ben’s tone increased.

    Joe sat looking at his father, but still said nothing.  He could not form the words.

    The anger, frustration, and fear Ben had been holding back came out at that moment  He wanted so desperately to know what was wrong with his son.  He screamed,  “SPEAK TO ME, BOY!”

    With that Ben picked Joe up by the shoulders and lifted him off the couch.  Joe was looking his father square in the eye not daring to move.  Ben wanted to shake his son until he talked.

    Hoss and Adam cringed at what they were seeing.  Hoss tried to intervene,  “Pa, maybe…”

    “Stay out of this Hoss!”  Ben yelled, but remaining focused on Joe.

    Joe was terrified and started to shake.  He had never seen his father like he was at that moment.  He had no idea how to respond.  His heart was beating through his chest, and he breathed in gasps.

    Ben could feel Joe shaking and saw the fear in his son’s eyes.  He thought to himself,  “What am I doing?”  He quickly put Joe back on the couch and turned away from his son.

    Joe sat trying to stop shaking.  He knew he had hurt his father and did not know how to fix it.  He could not talk about all the things in his head.  He was unable to let it out.  He was more afraid of what was in his head than his father.

    Ben turned back to Joe, a little calmer but still full of the energy he had felt just a few moments ago,  “Joe, what are trying to make stop?”

    Joe searched for the words.  What could he say that would make sense?  Did it even make sense to him?  All he said very quietly was,  “Make my head stop.”

    “What?  Make your head stop what?”  Ben was confused.

    “Thinking.”  Joe revealed.

    Ben realized what Joe had been doing by drinking.  He felt the anger leave him and sadness take its place.  He looked down at Joe and saw his son, so young and vulnerable.  He walked over and sat next to Joe.  “Son, you can’t do it with whiskey.  You’ve got to let people help you.  You’ve got to let your family help.  Did nothing we talk about last night sink in?”

    “Oh, but Pa, the whiskey helps the best.”  Joe thought.  He could not stop shaking, nor could he move his eyes away from his father’s.

    “Joseph, talk to me son.  Please talk to me.”  Ben begged.

    Joe looked at Adam and then at Hoss.  He then looked back at his father.  No one was going to save him from the interrogation.  He began to have a look of panic on his face.  He knew he could not talk to them.  “Pa, I can’t!”  Joe fought back.

    “Yes, you can Joseph.  Open your mouth and talk to me!”

    Joe started shaking his head no.  He had to get out of there.  He had to get his father to leave him alone.  He felt as if he was going to break in two if he was forced to talk.  “Pa, please I can’t.  Don’t do this to me!  I can’t!  I can’t!”

    The look on Joe’s face began to scare Ben.  He was seeing something coming over Joseph that he feared.  Joe had a look that told Ben his son should not be pushed further.

    Hoss and Adam had seen the transformation in Joe as well. Both brothers felt very protective of Joe and watching the confrontation between Ben and Joe was almost too much.  Both also wondered if they would intervene and challenge their father if the scene went much longer.

    “Okay, Joe.  It’s okay.  We won’t talk anymore.”  Ben said.  The tension in Hoss and Adam deflated after Ben spoke those words.  They both said silent prayers of thanks that their father had relented.

    Joe was trembling and could not stop.  He had heard his father let him off without having to speak, but he found he was so afraid.  He did not trust he could continue to hold off the questions.  He did not know if he could keep away from himself and from them.

    Ben wanted to be alone for a few minutes with Joe.  “Hoss, Adam, I’ve got it here.  Go on upstairs.”

    Neither wanted to be dismissed.  They wanted to make sure that their father and Joe did not get into it again.

    “Pa, we’ll just stay and help you a little more.”  Hoss said, not moving towards the stairs.
    “No, you will do as I say and go to bed.”  Ben responded.

    Hoss and Adam stood for a few seconds looking at their father.  Ben had a look on his face which said that he was not going to discuss it further.  Both men turned and went upstairs.

    Ben went and sat by Joe.  “Son, I don’t mean to upset you so much.  It’s okay.  You don’t have to talk right now.”

    Joe sat trying to calm himself.  He quietly asked,  “Can I go now?”

    “Son, I want to help.”

    “Not now, please Pa.  I’ll talk to you later.  Can I go?”

    Ben was disappointed in Joe’s request, but acquiesced.  Joe slowly rose feeling the alcohol in his head.  He moved to the bedroom and quietly shut the door behind him.  Ben remained seated looking at the closed door.
 
 

    By the time Joe woke it was around ten.  He was groggy from sleeping hard and his head hurt, both effects of the alcohol.  Joe slowly dressed, rubbed his eyes and using his crutches moved out to the couch.

    “Good morning, son.”  Ben greeted.   He had been sitting in the great room waiting for Joe to wake.

    “Pa.”  Joe said acknowledging his father.

    “Joe, Adam’s been hanging around waiting to see if you want to go out with him to the west pasture.  He said he’d like the company, and it’d do you good to get out of the house.”

    “Uh… I don’t think I’m up to it.”  Joe said, not wanting to spend the energy.

    “Son, I want you to go.”

    “This another request, or do I not have a choice?”  Joe thought.  He said,  “Pa, really I don’t feel like it.”

    “Son, it would do you good.  You need to get out some more.”

    “Pa, there’s not much I can do, and besides, I’m going outside.”

    “I think it would do you good to do more than sit on the porch.  You can enjoy the ride, can’t you?”

    Ben persistence was aggravating Joe.  He had no intention of going out on a ride with his older brother.  If his father was not going to listen to him, then he would have to make up a reason not to go.  Joe sat a while longer trying to think of a reason his father would accept for his not going out.  It was not that he did not want to be with Adam.  He simply did not want to be with anyone.  He could not think, so he decided to test out his leg.  He remembered his father’s conversation at lunch yesterday about trying to walk some on his leg, so he thought the present time was as good as any other.

    “Well let me try this out first.”  Joe said and stood slowly as his father watched.  They looked briefly at each other and then Joe looked down at his legs.  Joe took a deep breath and stepped lightly onto his injured leg.  He immediately wished he had not.  There was an intense pain which shot through him.  He wanted to sit, but decided he would see how much he could bear. He clinched his teeth and took a step.  Again the pain hit him hard. He wanted to scream out, but did not want his father to know how badly he hurt. Again, another step.  He had to remind himself to breathe.

    Ben sat watching Joe, wanting to come to his rescue.  Joe moved slowly and with an obvious hesitation. He could see the pain in Joe's face as his son took small, deliberate steps.  He knew the pain had to be excruciating.

    Joe continued to will himself to keep moving forward.  He knew he had to make himself walk.  He wanted his freedom back.  He would walk he told himself.  There was no choice in the matter.  He traveled slowly towards his father's office area.  He told himself he could stop if he made it to the edge of the desk.  That was his goal, and he was not going to stop until he made it.  Beads of sweat started to run down his face as he placed every bit of concentration into his movements.  His leg was going to cooperate, because he had decided it would.

    Ben watched with admiration for his determined child.  The determination he saw was at times Joe's greatest asset and at others his biggest liability.  Ben had gone up against Joe's will many times in his son's life and, although he hated to admit it, more times than not, Joe's determination won out.

    Joe reached out his hand and grabbed hold of the desk.  He made his legs take him right up to where the desk met the floor.  He sighed and relaxed his tense shoulders.  He had made it.  He put his head down to get his breath when he noticed the papers on his father's desk.  He saw the book work his father had been struggling to finish.  Suddenly, he saw a corner of a piece of heavy paper with the name Larson on it.  Nothing else could be made out due to the papers above concealing the rest of the text.

    Joe reached down and pulled out the hidden paper.  His heart jumped and he began to feel like he was going to faint.   He steadied himself and braced his legs against the desk.  He tried to talk, but at first the words would not come.  Finally he managed to ask,  "Pa, what's the date?"

    Ben found Joe's question strange.  He had watched Joe walk to the desk, and now saw him looking at a piece of paper.  Ben answered before it dawned on him what Joe could be looking at.  "Um lets see,  if I remember right it should be the um...eighteenth of September I believe."

    Joe stood, his eye frozen on the piece of paper.  "The eighteenth?!...The eighteenth?!" he asked himself several times.  "Today is my wedding day...Today is my... NO!...Don't think about it!...Stop thinking about it!  It isn't your wedding day!  You don't get to marry her!  She's gone!  You killed her!  You killed her!  You're the reason for all of it!... Stop it!  Just stop it!"

    Ben saw that Joe was not moving and continued to look at what was in his hands.  "Joe?  What are you looking at?"

    Joe did not answer.

    "Joe?  Son?"  Ben got up and walked over to where Joe stood.  He looked at what was in his son's hand and felt a deep sense of dread come over him.  It was the wedding invitation.

    "Joseph?"  It was evident that Joe was not hearing him.

    Ben stood looking at his son when the door opened and in walked Adam.  Adam moved over to where he saw his father and youngest brother standing.  "Hey Joe,  you ready to go?"  he asked, unaware of what was happening at that moment inside of Joe.

    Ben held up his hand to get Adam's attention.  It was then that Adam realized there was something very wrong.  Ben shook his head to stop Adam from coming closer or speaking further.

    "Joseph, son, talk to me."

    Joe's thoughts were racing in his head,  "Oh God!... I can't do this! I can't stop it!" The thoughts and images of Joe's relationship with Rebecca moved so quickly through his mind.  It was as if he were trapped in a racing river.

    Ben reached out and took the invitation from Joe's hand.  Joe stood without moving for a moment until it registered in his mind that he was no longer holding the paper.  He slowly turned his head and moved his eyes up so they locked with his father's eyes. Ben saw for a second what looked like a puzzled expression come over his son's face.

    All at once Joe screamed,  "Give me that!  It's mine!"  and tore the invitation from Ben's hands before he knew what was taking place.  Joe then turned, and half ran, half pulled himself upstairs.

    Ben could not believe what he had just seen. Joe had stood before him completely unaware that Ben was speaking to him.  His son had gone from a painful struggle to walk to running upstairs.  It was unbelievable.

    "Adam, help me!"  Ben called out, as he raced up the stairs after his youngest.

    Ben and Adam were quickly at Joe's door.  Joe was saying over and over "Where is it?" and tearing clothes out of his bureau.

    “I can’t find it! Where is it!”  Joe continued to look through all of the drawers and then moved his hand over the top of the bureau sweeping everything onto the floor.  He then dove on top of the strewn items and started frantically hunting through them.

    “It’s not here! It’s gone!  It has to be here!  Where is it!”  Joe was panicking.

    “Joseph, what are you looking for?”  Ben quietly asked.

    “Gone!  It’s gone!  It was here!”  Joe looked intently through the items.

    Ben kneeled down with Joe, so that he could have Joe look at him.  He said in a calm, quiet voice, “Joe, let me help.  Tell me what you are looking for.”

    “It’s not here, Pa!  I can’t find it!  I put it right here!… It’s gone!… She’s gone!  It’s all gone!  I can’t find it, Pa!

    Joe looked at his father with a look that made Ben question if Joe was at that moment sane.  Ben asked “ What’s gone?”

    “Everything, Pa!  It’s gone!  I can’t find it!  Why did it go, Pa?!  Why?  I killed it all!  I killed it, Pa!”

    Ben grabbed hold of his son,  “Joe listen to me.  I’ll find it for you.  Tell me what it is, and I’ll find it.”

    “Pa, you can find it?!  You can?   Yeah!…Yeah, you can!”  You get it and bring it to me!  Then I can marry her, Pa!”
    Ben’s heart sank.  Joe was somewhere else in his mind.  He did not know what it was that Joe needed to find, but he knew that his son was not there at that moment.  “Joe, I want you to come over here with me right now.”  Ben wanted to lead Joe over to the bed and put him in it.

    “Pa, you gonna help me, huh?  I need you, Pa.  You gotta help me. I can’t find it, and she won’t marry me unless I have it.”  Joe said, his voice sounding very young.

    “What should I look for, Joe?”  Ben asked, trying to comfort his child.  He placed Joe in bed as he talked.

    “Pa, you know…  the ring.  I can’t find it, and she won’t marry me unless I have it.”  Joe said, his voice so soft and young.

    Ben looked at Adam.  He needed to know someone else was hearing the same thing as himself.  Ben gestured for Adam to look for the ring.  “Okay son.  I’m looking.  I want you to lie down now and rest.  You need to lie down.”

    “But why, Pa?  I want to be with her.  I’ll go and be with Rebecca now, ‘kay, Pa?

    “No, Joe.  You need to stay right here with me.  You have to just lay here right now.”

    Joe suddenly became excited again.  “Pa, help me Pa!  Did you find it?”

    At that moment Adam discovered the wedding ring.  He quickly handed it to his father.

    “Here, Joseph.  Here it is.  You need to just lay down now and rest.”  Ben said holding his young son in his arms and handing Joe his most sought after possession.

    “Pa!  You found it!  Pa, now Rebecca’s mine!  Now we can get married!”  Joe took the ring and clutched it tightly in his hand.  He was determined for it to never leave his possession again.

    Ben knew Joe was gone from him.  He had been able to get Joe to the bed and pulled him down on it. He then sat, put his arms around his son and began rocking his youngest back and forth in Joe’s bed.

    Adam sat watching the scene before him.  It was so sad.  Joe had given into his grief and pain, almost collapsing in on himself.  His brother was curled up in his father’s arms as a young child would be.  Ben was stroking Joe’s hair and talking softly.  Adam saw the tears in Ben’s eyes.

    “Shh, shh, it’s okay son.  It’s okay.”  Ben repeated over and over as he rocked and stroked Joe’s hair.

    The two older men looked at each other.  Ben had an expression of worry and fear on his face.  Adam wanted to help both his father and brother, but did not know what to do.

    Joe was thinking of a wedding.  He could see it so clearly in his head.  He was watching her walk to him.  He was taking her hand from her father’s and they were standing together before the preacher.  “Stop it!”  Joe said, in his head.  “No!  It won’t ever be that way!  You’ve got to just stop it!  You are losing it, Joe!”

    How easy it would be for him to surrender to the madness.  He could just let his mind go and eventually it would take him to a place where he would not be able to return.  But madness scared him.  The feeling of being lost that came when he allowed himself to travel down that path was so terrifying it kept Joe hanging on to his sanity.

    He felt his father gently rocking him.  It felt so familiar, but it was a feeling without words.  He expected to smell rose water at that moment.  “Mama?”  he said out loud.

    Ben’s tears were falling freely.  “Son, she’s with you.”

    Joe said nothing further.  He lay in his father’s arms allowing himself to think of the rocking.  At that moment he felt his mother’s love coming through his father.

    Ben continued to hold his son, and Adam had taken a chair in Joe’s room.  Neither wanted to leave.  Joe had not moved nor spoken in several hours.  The silence was disturbed when Hoss entered the room.  He saw the scene before him and became pale.  He did not understand what he was seeing.  “Pa what’s wrong with Joe?”

    Ben saw the look of fear on Hoss’s face.  It was a look that matched both his own and Adam’s.  “Hoss, son…”  How was Ben to explain what he and Adam had just witnessed?

    “What is it, Pa?”  Hoss was becoming increasingly more alarmed.

    Ben realized he could not talk to Hoss the way he needed to in front of Joseph.  He knew he would have to take Hoss out of the room to speak.  Ben attempted to move Joe off of him and Joe protested by grabbing tight to his father and clutched the ring in his hand even tighter.  Joe felt that holding on to his father was what kept him from slipping over the edge in his mind.  He needed to be held.

    “Um, Adam, he’s not letting me go.  Could ya come here and help?”  Ben asked.  “I have to talk to Hoss, and with Joe like this, I don’t want to do it in front of him.”

    Adam moved over to where his father and Joe were on the bed.  The two men worked to pass Joe from father to brother.  As soon as Joe’s grasp was pried away from his father, he latched on to his brother.  This was also a familiar place for Adam.  He had held his brother many times when Joe was little.  Adam had often felt confused about his role with his little brother.  Was he a parent or a sibling?  The difference in age had been a natural barrier between the two.  Adam found it difficult to see the world through his brother’s eyes and he knew Joe could not see his world.  The personalities did not allow a lot of open affection between them, but each needed the other.  Joe needed Adam to help him over adolescence as only an older brother could, and Adam needed Joe to help him remain young.

    Adam continued the rocking just as he had seen his father doing.  He began to talk to Joe quietly, hoping to break through the wall that Joe had between himself and everything else.  “Joe, you’re going to be okay.  You need to come back to us, now.  You know what it would do to Pa if he lost you?  He wouldn’t make it Joe.  He really needs you.  And Hoss?  Joe, Hoss is your best friend, you know that.  He talks about the things you two have done together all the time.  He’s just about to rub Cochise’s coat off keeping her looking good for you.  He knows how much you love that pony.  …And Joe… I…”  Adam paused, trying to come up with the words to say what he wanted to his baby brother.  “Joe, you know you and I fight, but I’m finding with you being so bad off, I’m missing fighting with you.  I wish you’d say something right now so we could get into it.  Then I’d know you were okay.”

    Joe heard what Adam said, but was unable to respond.  He thought of all the times he had said and wanted to say mean things to Adam since the accident.  He did not have the energy anymore.  He just lay in his brother’s arms knowing he was so very afraid.

    Ben walked Hoss out into the hall to fill him in on what had happened with Joe.  Hoss could not believe what he was hearing.  He could not accept Little Joe was as bad off as his father explained.  He began to think his father was exaggerating.  He wanted to talk to his little brother himself.  “Pa, let me talk to him.”

    Ben felt it was worth a try.  He recognized that there was a very special bond between Joe and Hoss.  Ben knew that when Joe was little, Joe thought Hoss hung the moon.  He would follow his older brother around and make Hoss show him everything he did around the ranch.  Hoss had to sneak out of the house on days where Joe was home from school, and Hoss wanted privacy.  Even then, most of the time Joe would find his brother and make him entertain him.  When Joe was little, if someone wanted to find him, they just had to look for Hoss.  The two were inseparable.

    Ben had been concerned as Joe aged, how the relationship between the brothers would fair.  Joe had to grow up, and that also meant that Joe would naturally grow away somewhat from his older brother.  Ben had seen it happen slowly.  Joe had become more private, although he knew the two boys still talked quite regularly.  It seemed as his youngest grew older, the brother’s roles reversed at times.  Ben saw Joe giving Hoss more and more advice, and he had noticed Joe’s ability to talk Hoss into things was amazing.  Most of the time though,  Ben believed Hoss willingly let himself be talked into it pretty easily, if the truth be told.  The excitement that Joe sought could be contagious at times.

    “Okay, Hoss it’s worth a try.”  Ben said, leading Hoss back into Joe’s room.

    Hoss entered the room and moved over to where he could look at his brother’s face.  “Hey little buddy, can you hear me?”

    Joe held tightly to Adam.  He heard Hoss, but something stopped him from answering.  He could not talk.  He felt as if he was trapped, but it was a trap of his own making.  He had to hold all of his focus on not slipping over the edge.  To speak would move the focus and make him susceptible to slipping.  He never wanted the quiet talking and rocking to stop.  He used to want to be all grown up.  It was no longer his wish.  He wanted to be little again.  It had never hurt as bad when he was a boy as it did at that moment.

    “Joe can you look at me?”  Hoss tried another approach.

    Joe was staring off into nothing.  He felt to move his eyes would change things and move him closer to the edge once more.  He could not move.  He would not move.  He stared at nothing.

    He tried again,  “Joe, look at me now!  You need to look at me!  This isn’t funny anymore!”

    Joe could not let himself move.  It took everything inside of him to hold himself where he was.  He was fighting a battle he did not understand or know if he would win.  He just knew where ever his mind wanted to go-to madness, he could not let that happen.

    Hoss shook his head.  He had never seen anything like this before.  It scared him more than he knew,  “Come on Joe.”  Hoss started to cry.  “You gotta quit it.  Just look at me Joe.  Say something.”

    Ben stepped to his middle son and put his arm on Hoss’s shoulder.  “Hoss, son, enough.  Thank you for trying.”

    Hoss reached out and rubbed Joe’s head.  “Come on buddy.  Stop it now.”

    “Come over here.”  Ben said, leading Hoss to a chair and sitting him down.  Ben had no idea how to take the pain away from his children.

    Joe remained caught in his struggle.  He was so tired, but he could not rest.  Not with so much at stake.  He needed to remain vigilant to his mind.  He had no idea what would make him not be so afraid.  He wanted to go to Rebecca, and yet he was afraid to let his mind take him there.  She was in his head, he knew it.  He could just allow himself to go there, and he would never feel the hurt, he would never feel the pain and he would never have to be without her.  But to do this required surrendering and letting go.  He could not let go.  There was something in him that made completely letting go impossible.

    The family sat together in Joe’s room.  The only sound was Adam’s voice talking softly to his little brother.  Adam hoped that by talking, he could break through to where ever Joe had gone.  Adam felt exhausted, but could not stop.  He felt the grasp Joe held on him and could feel his brother’s desperation.

    Ben ran what he had seen happen to Joe over and over in his head.  Joe had been unreachable to anyone who tried to speak with him.  How were they to get through to Joseph?  Ben had a momentary panic and thought  “What if we can’t?”  Ben continued to look for some way to reach Joe.  He looked around Joe’s room and his eyes landed on Joe’s dresser and the mess that lay on the floor.  He saw the invitation laying there.  He had an idea.

    Ben picked up the invitation and looked at it.  He looked over at his son and then back to the invitation.  He thought he would try something.  He moved over to Joseph and spoke softly.  “Joe, son, do you want me to keep this invitation for you, or do you want it?”
     Joe could hear his father’s question and wanted to answer.  He wanted the invitation.  It was his, but he did not want to risk trying to move or speak.  He thought,  “Pa, give it here.  It’s mine.”
    Ben saw no change in Joe after having asked the question.  He sat holding it in such a manner that, if Joe could see anything, he would see the invitation.  “Joe, did you hear me?”  Ben questioned again.

    Still there was no answer from Joe.  Ben attempted one thing further,  “Okay Joe, I’ll take this and put it away somewhere.”

    Joe’s attention began to shift focus.  He had to stop his father from taking the invitation.  It became more important than fighting the madness.  “Mine.”  Joe whispered.

    “What did you say, Joseph?”

    Joe spoke once more, quietly, but clearly,  “It’s mine.”

    “Yes it is, Joe.  Here take it.”

    To grab hold of the invitation, Joe would have to let go of either Adam or the ring.  He did not want to let go of either.  He did not move.

    “Well then here Joe,  I’ll keep it and you can get it later.”  Ben said, trying to make Joe want it more.

    “No, give it here.”  Joe said, without releasing Adam from his grasp.

    “Joe, if you want it, you have to reach out and get it.”  Ben saw that Joe was coming back to them.  It was obvious that Joe was paying attention to what Ben was saying and seemed to be thinking about reaching out.  Ben felt encouraged.

    “Come on, Joe.  You can do it, boy.”

    Joe was so afraid to move, but he wanted back what was his.  It was a connection to Rebecca and he was not wanting it severed.  Adam felt Joe’s hand start to release and held his breath.  He had stopped talking when his father had started.  He did not want to interfere with what was happening.

    Joe let go of Adam and reached for the invitation.  Ben did not let go.  “Son, I want you to sit up here and look at me.  When you do that, I’ll give it to you.”

    Joe continued to look afraid, but did as his father told him.  He felt himself rejoining the others in the room as he sat up.  He had no idea what had happened to him, but it was terrifying.  It felt as if he was waking up from a dream; moving from fog to clear skies.  After he had sat up, Joe again reached for the invitation.  Ben let go of it and continued to watch his son.  “Joe, are you okay?”

    “Yeah.”  He said very quietly.  He then looked at Adam and Hoss.  The expressions on their faces told him that they were scared.  He felt scared himself and seeing their faces did nothing to take away the fear.

    “What’s wrong with me?’  Joe questioned himself.  He began to believe he may be going insane.  He wondered if he could stay away from the madness much longer, and he was not sure if in time, he would not want to surrender to it.

    He sat holding the invitation in one hand and the ring in the other.  He suddenly felt very foolish.  He had no idea what had made him react the way he had.  He only knew he did not want it to happen again.

    “Son, can we do anything to help you?”  Ben questioned.

    “Pa, to help I’d have to be able to tell you what was wrong, and I don’t know that.”  Joe thought.  He said softly,  “Uh, no, I don’t think so.”

    Eventually the fear in the room subsided for everyone but Joe.  The other’s saw that Joe was remaining lucid and it allowed them to relax some.  It was evening before Adam and Hoss finally left Joe’s room to tend to the stock and finish some business that could not be ignored.  Ben remained with Little Joe in his room.

    As Joe had become more coherent, he realized how badly his leg was hurting.  Although he remained aware of everything that had happened that day, it was almost as if he had watched it happen to someone else.  He knew he had practically ran up the stairs, but he had no physically sensation of having done it.  That was, until he started to feel the pain.  Once he felt it, he could not sit still in the bed.

    Ben noticed Joe was agitated.  “What is it, boy?”  Ben asked.

    “It’s my leg. It’s hurtin’ pretty bad.”  Joe confessed.

    “I think you put too much on it today.”  Ben said, as he remembered watching Joe running up the stairs earlier that morning.

    “Yeah, oh, geez …” Joe said, as the dull ache turned to sharper pains.

    “Joe, I’ll go get you something for that and be back.”  Ben said, leaving the room. Ben quickly returned to his son and gave him the pain killer.  He then set the bottle on Joe’s night stand and sat back down.  Joe waited to feel the medication overtake him.  Joe was exhausted and knew the medicine would guarantee he would sleep.  His eyes eventually became heavy, as the pain in his leg became distant.  He allowed sleep to overtake him.

    Ben sat in his son’s room until he knew Joe was deep in sleep.  He pulled the blankets up over his son and rubbed Joe’s cheek with his hand.  “Good night, son.  I love you.”  Ben said before he walked out of the room.

    Joe slept peacefully for part of the night.  The medicine had allowed him to sleep dreamlessly until it began to wear off.  As it did, the dreams returned.  Joe was again with Rebecca, and for a while, was very happy.  But the dream turned, and again Joe was in agony.  It ended with Joe bolting upright and breathing heavily.

    It took Joe a while to shake off the nightmare.  He sat trembling trying to make his head stop thinking of the dream.  He sat in the darkness until his heart stopped pounding and his breathing returned to normal.  His mind returned to the barn and to the conclusion he had reached while sitting in the dark wanting to die.  He had wanted to wait until he was stronger, but after what had happened to him after seeing the invitation, he did not feel he could risk waiting any longer.  He was not at all certain he could even do it, but he had to try.  He had to try before he went mad.

    Joe reached for the bottle of medicine and took a long draw.  He knew his plan was going to hurt him physically, and his family in so many other ways, but he saw no other option.  It was not getting better.  In fact he was beginning to believe it was getting significantly worse.  He did not want to risk completely breaking down.  He believed he had only one chance, and that was to get away from himself and the memories.

    Joe was leaving the Ponderosa.  He could no longer stay with his family, nor could he remain Joe Cartwright.  He had to leave it behind.  If he did not leave, he felt it would drive him over the edge.  He knew his family would be hurt, but to stay with them meant he would have to surrender to the madness.  It was a choice he believed he had to make.

    After he felt the medicine had begun to work, he moved about his room as quickly as he felt he could, given his injury.  He was deliberate in what he chose to take and what he would leave.  He wanted to leave himself behind.  It was important to him that there be nothing of his present life going with him.  Joe looked at the invitation and the wedding ring sitting on his night stand.  He put the ring in his pocket and took the invitation and went over to the book shelf.  He grabbed his favorite book and placed the invitation in between two pages.  He took out the silver locket he carried religiously in his pocket.  He placed it on his dresser.  He paused briefly to open it.  He looked at his mother’s picture by using the moon light for illumination.  He almost changed his mind about leaving the locket, but then placed it on his dresser and hobbled out of his room.

    Joe slowly and quietly made his way downstairs.  He had his saddlebag with him with a few clothes inside.  He walked over to his father’s desk and lit a lamp.  He sat at the desk and wrote three letters.  He folded the letters and wrote the intended recipient’s name on each.  He placed the wedding ring on top of one of the letters and made his way to the door.  He went to grab his pistol and gun belt and then paused.  He took out his gun and placed it on the credenza.  He opened the credenza and pulled out another pistol.  He put that in his gun belt and walked outside.

    He made his way to the barn and went inside.  He limped to a bay mare that was stabled next to Cochise.  He saddled the horse with a spare saddle as quickly as possible, and then lead the horse and Cochise out of the barn.  The next step he had dreaded.  He was going to have to mount the horse.  He had been resting his leg for the six weeks since the accident and until the previous day he had put little pressure on it.  When he had he had felt intense pain.  He knew to sit a horse would be excruciating.  He bent over and took the splint off of his leg.  He stood and opened the saddlebag, took out the medicine and took a large drink.  Joe waited until he could feel the medicine get heavily into his system.  Then he took a deep breath and put his left foot in the stirrup of the bay’s saddle.  With one motion he swung himself into a seated position on the horse.  Joe wanted to scream out, the pain was so intense.  Tears formed in his eyes as he waited for the initial pain to lessen.  Finally, it lessened slightly, and he decided not to waste anymore time.  He walked the bay out of the yard, with Cochise in tow.  When he had cleared the house and yard with enough distance that he felt he would not be heard, he kicked the bay and was off into a gallop.  The pain was two fold.  His leg was throbbing, but his heart was breaking.

    Joe had two destinations in mind before he was on his way for good.  They were in opposite directions to each other, and he knew he would have to hurry to get away before his family woke.  He headed towards Lake Tahoe and his mother’s grave.  It was slow going once he was off the main road.  He did not want to risk the horses getting injured and the bouncing made his leg ache, so he had to make his way carefully.  He arrived at his destination before sun up.  He painfully dismounted and limped to where he normally sat in front of his mother’s headstone.  He had looked at that headstone so many times before, and had spent many hours talking to it, wanting frantically for his mother to answer him.  He longed for her guidance especially as he stood before her now.

    Joe began talking aloud to his mother, “Mama, is Rebecca with you?  Is she there?  I miss her so much, and I want you to take care of her.  I’m so afraid right now.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it scares me.  I wish I was with you and her.  You would fix it.  You and Rebecca could make it all stop hurting…

    “What’s it like there?  Is Rebecca smiling?  I hope she is.  I love her smile.  She’s probably bein’ real nosy, huh?  Oh, Mama, I want her back.  I want her so bad.  It’s not fair.  Is she okay?  You gotta take care of her, ’cause I can’t do it right now…

    “I’m going away for a while.  It’s gonna really upset Pa, and Hoss, and Adam, but I don’t know any other way.  I can’t stay here and get better.  There are too many reminders of how it was before the accident.  Pa wants me to just talk to him about it, but something stops me.  I think I’m goin’ crazy, and I don’t want to do it in front of them.  Mama, look after them too okay?  Pa’s gonna get all mad and stuff, and Hoss and Adam you know they need to be watched after too.  They think they are always watching after me, but you know I watch after them too.  Can you take care of that for me?”

    Joe sat for as long as he thought he could, then slowly stood and made his way back to the horses.  He untied Cochise’s lead from the saddle of the bay and limped away with her to an open area.  He hugged his horse and said,  “Cooch,  I’m gonna be gone for a while, and you don’t need to be standing in that barn while I’m gone.  I know how much you love to run, and that’s what I want you to do ‘til I get back.  You stay out of trouble.”

    Joe slowly took the halter off of his beloved horse.  She continued to stand there waiting for him.  He knew she would not leave him unless she was frightened, so he drew the pistol, and, taking a deep breath, fired it near the horse’s legs.  Cochise immediately bolted and ran away.  “I’m sorry, girl.  You’ll be happier this way.”

    Joe dropped the halter, returned to the bay, carefully mounted, and rode toward Virginia City.

    Morning brought Ben downstairs and to the kitchen.  Hop Sing was busy making breakfast and Ben helped himself to his customary cup of coffee.  They exchanged idle talk while waiting for the rest of the house to wake.  Soon after, Hoss and Adam appeared downstairs.  Both immediately headed outside to tend to the morning feeding.  Adam was the first to notice Cochise was not in her stall.  He saw that the bay mare was also missing.  “Hoss, did you put Cochise and that new bay out in the pasture and not bring them in last night?”

    “No, Adam.  You know I wouldn’t do something like that.”

    “Well the two are gone.”  It did not enter either man’s mind that Joe could have been the one to take the horses.  Both had assumed that Joe’s leg would not allow him to ride.

    “You think we were hit by a horse thief?”  Hoss asked, wondering if that was the explanation.

    “I sure hope not.”  Adam said, thinking it would be terrible for Joe if he also lost Cochise.  “Come on.  Let’s tell Pa what’s going on, and then see if we can’t track where the horses were taken.”

    Both men went back into the house.  “Pa?  Pa?  Where are you?”  Hoss asked loudly.

    Just as Hoss was calling for him, Ben came around the corner from the kitchen.  “What is it?”

    “Pa, Cochise and that bay mare are gone from the barn.”  Hoss explained.

    “What?”  Ben asked, confused.  He immediately thought that Joe had gone out, but then thinking of his son’s injury knew there was no way Joe could sit a horse.  “Did either of you hear anything last night?”

    Ben had slept soundly the previous night.  He had allowed himself to be comforted by the hope that Joe was probably asleep for the night, and so he had relaxed more than he had previously allowed himself to do.

    “No sir.” Hoss answered.

    “I’m wondering if maybe one of the hands heard or saw something.  I’ll ask after we eat.” Adam said.

    The three sat down for breakfast and discussed the possibility of horse thieves on the ranch.  After finishing eating, Adam went out to question the hands, and Hoss went to look for tracks of the missing horses.  Ben had some correspondence to return, so he moved over to his desk.  His eyes caught the unmistakable writing of his youngest son.  He saw three letters.  Each with a name on the front.  Ben developed a sick feeling in his stomach as he looked at the letter with the name “Pa” written on the front.  Sitting on top of that letter was the wedding ring he had given Joe to give his bride on their wedding day.  He picked up the letter and the ring.  He opened the letter and read,

Dear Pa,
I know what I am doing is going to make you really mad, but it is something I have to do for me.  I have to go away for a while.  I’ll go crazy if I stay here anymore.  I can’t escape my thoughts while I sit around the house.  It hurts too much.  I told you the other night that I could not stop the thoughts, well I think me going away for a while will help.  I need to do this.  I think I’ll go crazy if I don’t.  I promise that I will come back after I have figured out how to deal with myself.  I know you’ll be so mad at me, and I’m sorry.  Please give me this time.  I couldn’t think of anything else to do.  Don’t worry about me.  I know how to take care of myself.  You and Hoss and Adam made sure of that.  Pa, could you make sure Hoss is okay?  I think he’s gonna have a hard time with this.  I know it is very hard for me to go. I’ll miss you.
Love,
Joseph

P. S. I put Mama’s wedding ring on this note so that you could have it back.  Thank you for giving it to me for Rebecca.  It meant so much to me.

    Ben collapsed in his chair.  “No, no, no, Joseph!  No!”

    Ben’s thoughts returned to the previous day when Joe’s mind had been so far away from them.  Now Joe was off, God only knew where, in an unstable mental condition.  How could Joe ride a horse given his physical condition?  Then Ben remembered the resolve he had seen the previous day.  If Joseph wanted to do something bad enough, Ben knew he could do it.  He was still sitting at his desk stunned by what he had read when Adam and Hoss returned.

    “Pa, nobody heard anything last night.”  Adam said, as he approached his father.  He saw Ben sitting, his head in his hands and asked, “Pa?  What is it?”

    Ben did not speak, but held the letter from Joe out to Adam.  Hoss began to read over Adam’s shoulder.  “What!”  Adam exclaimed, as he finished reading the letter.  “He didn’t!  What was he thinking?!”

    “I’m truly afraid to answer that question.”  Ben responded.  Each man recalled the events of the previous day, and all three realized in all likelihood, Joe had not been thinking rationally.  “Boys he’s left these for you.”  Ben said, handing each a letter from their little brother.

    Hoss opened his and looked quickly over the handwriting.  It was as if he was hoping to get to the bottom of the page and see Joe had just been kidding them.  He went back up to the top and read the letter aloud.

Dear Hoss,
I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you I was gonna do this, but I know you would have tried to talk me out of it or would have wanted to come.  This is something I have to do, and I’ll be okay.  I hope you won’t be too sore at me for leaving, but I’ll come back when it doesn’t hurt so bad.  Thank you for taking such good care of Cochise.  I have turned her loose ‘til I get back, so she can run and be happy.  I’ll miss you so much.  You have to watch out for Pa for me and be a little mean to Adam so he won’t miss me quite so much.  Hey, and be late for a meal or two so Hop Sing won’t miss me too much either.
Hoss I love you.
Joe

    It was Adam’s turn next.  He had heard Hoss’s letter and was feeling choked up.  After taking a deep breath, he read his letter aloud as well.

Dear Adam,
I know you’ll think, there goes that fool kid again, and, as always, you are probably right, but I gotta do this.  I wanted to thank you for yesterday and so many other times when you made me not so afraid.  I can never tell you what that meant to me.  I know I am mean to you sometimes, but I hope you know that I don’t mean most of what I say.  I am very lucky to have you as my big brother.  Please look after Pa and Hoss for me.
I love you.
Joe

    The three men stood together, each with a letter from Joe, each filled with fear regarding the welfare of the youngest Cartwright.

    While the Ponderosa was waking to a new day, Joe was riding towards Virginia City.  He had allowed the pain in his leg to keep his mind from thinking of the hurt he was causing his family, and the hurt he felt inside.  By the time he reached town, it was morning and the streets were alive with activity.  He drew the horse up to the bank, dismounted by just letting himself slide off, and limped inside.  He had been dreading going to he bank because of fear that Mr. Larson would be there, but he was in luck and Mr. Larson had yet to arrive.  He walked up to the teller and requested to close his account.  The teller walked away, looked in a ledger, and then walked back to Joe.

    “Mr. Cartwright, I’m afraid there is a slight problem.”  The teller said.

    Joe thought to himself,  “This is all I need.”  He said,  “Oh, what’s the problem?”

    “Well Mr. Cartwright, we don’t have this much money on hand.  We can’t keep this amount here due to possibility of robbery”

    “There shouldn’t be that much in it.”  Joe said, now very confused.

    “Here’s the balance.  We can give you part of it now and wire for the rest.” The teller said, handing him a piece of paper with a very large dollar amount written on it.

    Joe looked at the paper and was taken aback.  He knew he did not have that kind of money.  Where had it come from?  He thought for a minute, and then he remembered.  This was the money his father was giving him and Rebecca to start their new life.  Again the hurt of remembering hit him, and he tried to keep himself composed.  “Oh, I know what this is.  Listen there was a really big deposit put into this account several weeks ago.  Give me the money that was in the account before that deposit and, uh, then I need to transfer the rest to someone else’s account.”

    The bank teller willing obliged, and Joe was out of the bank quickly.  He made his way to the Bucket of Blood and went inside.  It was still early in the day and the only people in the saloon were ones who looked as if they had not slept.  There was a high stakes game being played in the back corner.  Joe walked to the bar and the bartender said,  “Hey Little Joe, haven’t seen you around in a while.  You okay?”

    “Just fine, Sam.  Listen, give me a bottle of whiskey.”  Joe said.

    “Kind a early isn’t it, Joe?”  Sam asked.

    “I’m gonna take it with me.”  Joe said, and thought , “If it’s any of your business.”

    Sam gave him the bottle, and Joe walked out and to his horse.  He put the whiskey bottle in the saddle bag and held his breath and winced as he mounted the horse.  He quickly rode out from town to the cemetery.

    Joe pulled up his horse, dismounted, grabbed his saddle bag and looked for Rebecca’s grave.  He found the headstone and felt his stomach turn as he read the marker.
 
 

    It struck him how someone’s life could be summed up in so few words.  He knew there should have been so much more written there.  She had been so much more to him.  Joe sat down and stared at the marker.  He had wanted to talk to her for so long, and now he was near her.  At first the words did not come.  His mind was a blank.  He was not sure he wanted to let his mind go where it needed to in order to speak to Rebecca.  He opened the saddle bag, pulled out the whiskey bottle, uncorked it and took a long draw.  He let the alcohol begin to work, and he started to think about Rebecca.

    “Rebecca,”  he said aloud.  “I’m sorry I haven’t been here sooner.  I’m sorry about so much.  I miss you all the time.  It seems everything I look at reminds me of you.  When I was at the house I kept thinking of the times you had been there when we were kids, and all the parties you were there for, and all the fun times.  I think all the time of the engagement party Pa had for us there, and how I couldn’t stand it that I couldn’t be alone with you then.  I’d settle now for just being able to watch you for the rest of your life, even if I could never have you alone.  I miss seeing you.  I miss talking to you.  I miss everything.

    “Rebecca, I have to go away  I can’t stay here.  I’m sorry for that too.  I am a coward I know, but I am too afraid of what’s in my head.  I guess I’ve let you down the most.  I couldn’t get the guts up to kill myself and be with you.  I’m sorry for so much.”

    Joe sat looking at the headstone and drinking.  Eventually the alcohol and fatigue became to much, and he passed out on Rebecca’s grave.

    By the time Joe came to, it was afternoon.  He was groggy and for a minute did not know where he was.  After he shook off the sleep, he got to his feet, and said one final good bye to Rebecca.  He mounted the bay and rode west with no destination in mind.  His only goal to become lost to himself and his memories.
 
 

    Six days on the trail only stopping to cat nap or rest his horse had ended Joe in California and thinking of going to San Francisco.  He had been there with his family several times and knew the city.  He thought maybe he would stop in Sacramento to rest for a while, and then head on into the larger city.  As he rode, his leg varied in pain from excruciating to numb depending upon how little or how much he allowed the medicine and alcohol to assist him.  He had made the trip slower than he had expected, but his leg slowed him down considerably.  The small towns he passed through meant a chance to grab a bottle of whiskey to drink while he rode or to stop in on the local doctor and get more of the pain medicine.  This allowed the pain to stay tolerable while he was on the horse during the day and allowed him to pass out into a dreamless state at night.

    Joe had discovered while drinking with Phillips that the whiskey allowed him to escape himself.  It was the reason he had started to drink and the reason he continued.  He knew he did not like how he felt when the alcohol wore off, but the relief he felt while intoxicated was so appealing he overlooked the problems that drinking may have caused.  The alcohol allowed him to sit a horse.  It made it bearable to endure the pressure and jostling that was being placed on his thigh.  Had he not had the alcohol, Joe would not have been able to leave the Ponderosa.  Had he not been able to leave the Ponderosa, Joe believed he would have gone mad.

    Joe had been through Sacramento, but knew very little of the city.  He knew his father had lived outside of the city in the Sacramento Valley with Adam and Hoss before he was born, and before his father had decided to retreat to the high mountain paradise that was the Ponderosa.  Joe had heard the stories of his father’s relationship with John Sutter.  His father had told him how difficult it was for the Cartwrights and John Sutter when gold was discovered in the Sacramento Valley.  Their land had become overrun by gold seekers.  The land his father had worked hard to make into a home for himself and his two small boys was trampled.  It was then that his father had decided to move himself and his young boys to the Sierra Mountains, away from the greedy mob attacking California.  It was for this reason Joe knew that his father protected the Ponderosa so closely.  He had lost a ranch once and was not going to allow it to happen again.  His father had also taught him what running rough shod over land did to it.  Joe had grown up with a respect for land that few young men his age had.  It was from his father’s experience that he had learned this.

    Joe rode up to the Cock o’ the Walk Saloon and painfully dismounted.  He was tired and wanted to grab something to drink and then turn in for the night.  He limped into the saloon, up to the bar, and ordered a whiskey.  Joe did not realize he was being watched the moment he walked into the room.

    A tall, gangly man in his thirties watched the young man enter.  He noticed the stranger was covered with trail dirt and appeared to be quite young.  He also noted the limp.  He waited, watching the door to see if anyone else followed the stranger inside.  There was no one.  He looked towards a young saloon girl who stood nearby watching a card game.  He nodded towards Joe.  She nodded back and walked over to the bar.

    “Howdy stranger,”  she said, flashing a smile.

    Joe turned to see a stunningly attractive woman.  She had golden blonde hair and blue eyes.  She wore a deep blue dress cut surprisingly low and appeared to be in her early twenties.  Before, Joe would have immediately tried to flirt with her, but he no longer did so much he used to do.  He looked her up and down and said, “howdy,” without smiling.

    She was momentarily thrown by his lack of interest in her attention.  She was very used to men giving her attention, especially in the saloon.  She thought she would try again.  “You want to join me for a drink?”  She asked, slightly put out that she was having to do the asking.

    Joe simply stood for a moment looking at her trying to decide if he wanted to bother with her.  He thought it would not hurt to have a drink.  “Sure.” He said, his voice lacking any enthusiasm.

    She walked to a table and sat down.  He joined her with a bottle and two glasses.  He did not speak.

    “So you gotta name?”  She finally asked.

    “Joe,”  he answered.

    “Joe what?”

    “Just Joe.”

    “So, just Joe, what brings you to Sacramento?”

    He looked at her trying to think of something to say.  He knew he did not want anyone to know who he was or why he was there.  “Just passing through.” He said.

    “From where?”  She continued to prod.

    “All over.”  He deliberately remained vague.

    “Where are you going?”

    “Listen, does the interrogation go with the drink?”  Joe asked, trying to stop the questions.

    She looked at him wondering what was his story.  He obviously did not want to tell her about himself.  “Sorry, just trying to make conversation.  By the way, my name is Kenny.”

    Joe looked at her for a minute wanting to remain cold to her, but her smile was beginning to soften him some.  “Well Kenny, you wanna drink?”

    “I thought you’d never ask.”  She said, smiling again.  She then turned and looked at the tall man.  He nodded again, and she smiled and winked.

    Joe sat with Kenny making small talk.  She put her hand on his knee, and he picked it up and put it back on the table.  She tried to move close to him, and he moved away.  He could not even think of being with a woman.  Kenny was again surprised that the young man was not interested in her.  She was not used to this at all.  She saw him watching a poker game next to them.  “You play?”  she asked, realizing there was another tactic she could take.

    “Some.”  Joe responded.

    “I know Taylor there’ll be cutting out soon.  You want his seat?  I can arrange it.”  Kenny offered.

    “Nah, not interested.”  Joe said, but he continued to watch the game.  It was getting late, and he knew he really should go to the hotel and get a room.  But that meant trying to sleep, an activity he had grown to dread.

    Joe sat a while longer debating with himself if he was going to leave the saloon.  He gave into his fear of sleep and decided to play cards.  When he told Kenny to count him in on the card game, he did not see her nod her head to the tall man, nor did he see the tall man make eye contact and nod to one of the player’s already in the game.

    Joe’s decision to play cards that evening would come back to haunt him later.
 
 

    The days after Joe left the Ponderosa passed painfully slow for his family.  After finding the letters Ben, Adam and Hoss shared the same fear.  Joe had walked out of the house without any of them knowing his mental state.  Each recalled how fragile Joe had been the previous day and each feared the worst.

    Ben had ridden into town hours after Joe had left the ranch.  What Ben was unaware of was at the same time as he arrived in town, his son was passed out on his fiancee’s grave.  Ben went into town on the outside chance that perhaps Joe had simply ran away to town for some time alone.  He seriously doubted this, but could not sit at the ranch feeling helpless.  Ben felt his frustration increase when he realized one of the primary methods he used for locating his youngest was to look for Cochise.  He realized if Joe was telling the truth in his letter to Hoss, Joe was not riding Cochise.  He was on a very plain bay mare.  As Ben looked around town, he saw at least a dozen bay horses.

    Ben immediately went to Roy Coffee’s office, but was not really certain why.  He knew Roy could do nothing other than put out a wire to those neighboring town sheriffs who would be willing to cooperate in keeping an eye out for Joseph.  Ben shared with his long time friend the mental state Joe had been in the previous day.  Roy tried to hide his concern from his friend, but Ben read through it.  Neither said what they were thinking.

    Roy suggested that they look around town just in case someone knew something.  As the two men walked down the street, John Larson noticed them and approached.  “Hello Roy.  Ben, how are you?”  John questioned.

    “Hello, John.”  Ben said, his face showing deep concern.

    “Ben, is something wrong?”  John inquired.

    “Uh, yes, I’m afraid so.  Joe has run away.”

    “What?”  John asked shocked.  Although he had gotten to the bank after Joe had left, John had taken care of the paperwork to close out Joe’s account and transfer the funds Joe had requested to be placed back in his father’s account.  “But Ben, he was just in the bank a couple of hours ago.”

    “Joe was here!”  Ben suddenly felt hope.  “How long ago?”

    “Well, lets see.  It would have had to have been five or more hours ago.”

    Ben’s heart sank.  That gave Joe such an incredible lead on them.  “John, can I ask what he was doing at the bank?”

    “Sure Ben.  Joe closed his bank account.  He told the teller there was too much money in it, so he had the last deposit that was made into his account put into yours.  He took the rest.”

    Ben reacted to the news with mixed feelings.  He knew Joe did not have much money in his account, so Ben felt Joe would not be able to get very far on it, but the thought of Joe out in the world somewhere without money also scared him.  Ben continued to run thoughts of Joe over and over in his mind.  His son was in danger, he knew it.  He was uncertain if that danger would be from outside sources or from his son himself.

    Roy finally broke through Ben’s thinking.  “Ben, we need to check around and see if anyone else has seen Little Joe.  Let’s check the stage.”

    Roy’s idea brought a flicker of hope back to Ben.  If Joe had caught a stage, then they would know where he was.  They worked their way to the stage office, passing the Bucket of Blood on the way.  Ben looked over the saloon door, but did not go in.  There was no sign of his son.  The stage office yielded similar results, and Ben again faced despair.

    On Ben’s ride out of Virginia City he remembered the cemetery.  He rode there quickly and dismounted.  He walked to Rebecca’s grave.  He had no idea his son had left that spot only minutes before.  Ben took off his hat and bowed his head.  He prayed for two lost children: Rebecca who they had lost six weeks ago, and Joseph who they had lost that day.

    Hoss and Adam immediately headed to Marie’s grave.  They knew Joe would go no where without stopping there first.  They had decided to go together, so if there were tracks one could head back to the ranch, and the other could follow.  The men had ridden the horses hard and arrived at the graveside in record time.  They both dismounted and called after their brother.  There was no answer.  They looked around the area and saw two sets of hoof prints.  One the unmistakable prints of Cochise, but the imprint indicated that the paint pony was carrying no weight.  Cochise’s hoof prints took off in a southern direction and her halter was found lying in the grass.  There was another set of prints that headed northeast.  It was evident that Joe was on this horse and it was these prints that Hoss and Adam followed.

    The two brothers rode as quickly as they could and still follow the tracks.  They quickly lost heart when they saw the tracks heading towards the main road to Virginia City.  The traffic on the road would make it more difficult, but not impossible to follow.  It would be if Little Joe rode into town that they would lose the tracks.  They both prayed that if Joe had ridden into Virginia City, he had stopped there and their father would bring him home.  Given what Joe had written in his letters, they doubted he would stop so close to home.

    Hoss and Adam rode back in time to meet their father riding up to the ranch.  The men retired inside to fill each other in on what had been discovered.  Hop Sing stood back out of sight listening to the reports.  He was filled with worry.  He had feared the boy would run from his home in an attempt to handle his pain.  He had hoped he was wrong and realized he was not.  Hop Sing thought to himself that the boy would be truly lost if he was without his family.  He prayed that the boy was not lost to them forever.  He prayed harder that the boy was not lost to himself.

    Ben was beside himself with worry.  His worry increased as he realized what his son had left behind as he left his home.  Ben had gone into Joe’s room to try and see if there was any clue as to where his son was headed.  He looked at his Joe’s unmade bed.  Joe had been sleeping there just hours ago.  He saw the contents of Joe’s dresser strewn around from where his son had frantically searched for the wedding ring the previous day.  His eyes landed on the item that made him feel despair.  There on Joe’s dresser was the locket with his mother’s picture inside.  This was one of his son’s most prized possessions.  Joe had never parted with it willingly.  That was until that day.  Ben feared what it could mean.

    An unusual phenomena fell over the Ponderosa any time a family member was away.  The ranch continued to run, but it ran with an emptiness.  It was never obvious, so that it was anything a person could put their finger on, but there would come a feeling as if something was missing.  If one Cartwright was away, be it for a cattle drive or business trip, it was as if the land knew, and waited for the individual to return.  It had happened over and over.  As Joe left the Ponderosa, the land began its wait.
 
 

    Joe took his place at the card table.  The game of the moment was five card draw.  Joe anted up and began an evening of winning at cards.  He sat slumped down in his chair, hat pulled down low, and a cigarette hanging from his mouth.  He was rather surprised at how well he was doing.  Joe tended to be a good card player if he remained focused and played conservatively.  If he lost focus, then he tended to lose money quickly.  What had amazed him was he knew he had drunk a lot of liquor.  As a matter of fact, he knew he was well on his way to being drunk.  He had drunk much more than he was used to drinking while playing cards, and yet he continued to win.  He allowed the tone of the game to be set by the other players, and the stakes were rapidly getting high.  Joe knew he should ask to be dealt out, but he was caught up in the momentum of winning.

    It was when he realized he had more than doubled his money, that he decided the hand he was currently playing would be his last.  By the time the hand was called, Joe held three aces.  The other’s laid down their cards, and Joe knew he had them.  “Gentlemen, read ‘em and weep.” He said, laying down his hand.

    The men grumbled, but knew they had lost.  Joe said as he stood, “Well gentlemen, it was a pleasure taking your money, and now I must retire for the evening.”

    Joe gathered the money in the pot and stuffed it in his pocket.  Walking was difficult when he was sober let alone after having drunk all night, but he managed, though not too gracefully.  He made his way out the saloon door and looked at his horse.  “Uh oh. What am I gonna do with you?”  he slurred his words as he spoke to the horse.

    He did not have time to say or do anything else before he was grabbed and pulled into the alley next to the saloon.  It did not register with Joe at first what was happening.  There were two men, one holding him from behind, and one standing in front of him.  He had not seen either one of them before.  The one in front of him spoke, “Hey Sonny,  give us your money, and we’ll let you live.”

    Joe stood looking at the man for a moment.  He was dizzy and not sure exactly what was happening, but he knew it was not good.  “Go to hell.”  Joe managed to say before he was punched in the stomach.

    The punch doubled Joe over, and he was quickly hit again with an uppercut.  This threw him back into the arms of the man behind him.  Joe struggled and managed to land a punch on the man who had hit him.  He was unable to move as quickly as he was used to given his leg, and ended up tripping over himself.  Joe knew it was extremely dangerous for him to be on the ground with the two men standing above him.  He tried to stand, but was pushed down by one of the two attackers.  Joe continued to struggle and managed to kick the feet out from under one of the men by using his good leg.

    Between the alcohol and the injury, Joe was not able to fend off his attackers for long.  He had put up a good fight given his condition, but he was quickly overtaken.  The man on the ground with Joe was able to pin him down, while the other went through his pockets removing all of the his money.  “No, this can’t be happening.” Joe thought as a feeling of desperation set in.

    Joe began to struggle again, hoping somehow he could stop what was happening to him.  His movements angered his attackers and they fought back.  It was then that he felt a rain of blows upon him.  He tried to fend them off as best as he could and was able to protect himself until one of the men kicked him in his already injured leg.  Joe felt the pain move through him like a lightening bolt.  He screamed out and was immediately kicked again in the same place.  This stopped Joe from fighting back at all, but the men continued their assault.

    Suddenly Joe heard a voice,  “Hey, you there.  What do you think you’re doing?”

    The rain of blows stopped, and the men who were attacking ran away.  The next thing Joe knew there was a tall, thin man leaning over him.  “Hey kid, you okay?”

    Joe could only manage to let out a groan.  The pain was so intense, and he fought against blacking out.  The man tried to help Joe up, but the movement caused more pain.  Joe screamed and pleaded,  “No! No, leave me here!  Don’t touch me!”

    “Come on kid.  You can’t just stay here.  Let me get you inside.”  The man said, continuing to try and get Joe to his feet.  Joe’s head began to swim, and he fainted dead away.